Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 546806 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5265 on: Mar 04, 2020, 02:51:58 AM »


A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today. "HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear. "HIM "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news."HER "Well, the air bag works."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5266 on: Mar 05, 2020, 04:58:05 AM »


First Mouse: I finally got that scientist trained. Second Mouse: How so? First Mouse: Every time I go through the maze and ring the bell, he gives me something to eat.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5267 on: Mar 06, 2020, 03:52:53 AM »


Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:1. Back Straight, Knees Bent, Feet Shoulder Width Apart. 2. Form A Loose Grip. 3. Keep Your Head Down! 4. Avoid A Quick Back Swing. 5. Stay Out Of The Water. 6. Try Not To Hit Anyone. 7. If You Are Taking Too Long, Let Others Go Ahead Of You. 8. Don't Stand Directly In Front Of Others. 9. Quiet Please...While Others Are Preparing. 10. Don't Take Extra Strokes. Well Done. Now, Flush The Urinal, Go Outside, And Tee Off.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5268 on: Mar 07, 2020, 04:28:11 AM »


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself... "Well this changes everything!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5269 on: Mar 07, 2020, 07:40:31 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5270 on: Mar 08, 2020, 03:28:15 AM »


John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!" Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLD WATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5271 on: Mar 08, 2020, 07:20:00 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5272 on: Mar 09, 2020, 02:53:02 AM »


Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. 'I got a cookbook once,' said one, 'but I could never do anything with it. ''Too much fancy work in it, eh?' asked the other. 'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -- 'Take a clean dish...''

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5273 on: Mar 09, 2020, 10:20:05 PM »
  :D


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5274 on: Mar 12, 2020, 04:05:36 AM »
What do you call an alligator in a vest                                                                 A investigator.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5275 on: Mar 26, 2020, 04:11:58 AM »

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5276 on: Mar 27, 2020, 03:59:26 AM »


This young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their young son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5277 on: Mar 28, 2020, 04:31:59 AM »


A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 a.m. By then, he is extremely drunk.

When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.



Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke, carving up his rear end terribly. But he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and, sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed.



The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was lying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh!" she replied. "You were plastered last night, and you know it! Where'd you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5278 on: Mar 29, 2020, 03:55:11 AM »


In my Sunday school class the focus was marriage or divorce, "The rapidly increasing divorce rate," remarked one member of the group, "indicates that America is indeed becoming the land of the free."
"Yes," replied the prosaic friend, "but the continued marriage rate suggests that America is still the home of the brave."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5279 on: Mar 29, 2020, 04:52:16 PM »
 ;D


 


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