Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 547369 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5280 on: Mar 31, 2020, 03:43:57 AM »


A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?"

"How dare you!" said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"

"Well, then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5281 on: Mar 31, 2020, 08:13:06 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5282 on: Apr 01, 2020, 03:36:16 AM »


Due to the quarantine...
Iíll only be telling inside jokes.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5283 on: Apr 01, 2020, 03:39:31 AM »


A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.

Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5284 on: Apr 01, 2020, 04:13:04 AM »
 ;D


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5285 on: Apr 01, 2020, 05:09:18 AM »
A man runs to the doctor , say's you got to help me ,
my wife thinks she is a chicken , the doctor asked
How long has she had this condition ?
Two years say's the man
Then way did it take you so long to come and see me
Asked the shrink
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies
We needed the egg's
« Last Edit: Apr 01, 2020, 05:11:22 AM by Green Mountian Hunter »


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5286 on: Apr 02, 2020, 04:21:21 AM »
 



       ;D

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5287 on: Apr 02, 2020, 04:21:56 AM »


Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one. This one right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5288 on: Apr 03, 2020, 04:53:31 AM »


Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5289 on: Apr 03, 2020, 06:24:21 AM »
 :D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5290 on: Apr 04, 2020, 04:35:42 AM »


Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance....

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and A diet coke...

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens To the counters...

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then Have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America... do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures...


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5291 on: Apr 04, 2020, 07:26:10 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5292 on: Apr 05, 2020, 04:20:32 AM »


Two guys were doing construction on a house. One of them who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over his shoulder or nail it into the siding.

The other guy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first guy explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding."

The second guy was outraged. He yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed towards you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5293 on: Apr 06, 2020, 03:53:21 AM »


A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat.

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled.

Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed. "Strike two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again, he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"




Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5294 on: Apr 07, 2020, 04:48:45 AM »


Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. "Cash, check or charge?" she asked, after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" the cashier inquired.

"No," she replied. "But my husband, Jeff, refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."


 


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