Comic Relief!!

[Hollywood]

   Not if you go commando....     

There's a mental image no one needed...   

[30-30]

Leaving Montreal, I decided to stop at one of those rest
 areas on the side of the road.
I go into the washroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into
 the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice
 from the other stall............

"Hi there, how is it going?"

Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with
 strangers in washrooms sitting on a toilet. I didn't know
 what to say, so finally I say:"Not bad............"

Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?"

I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say:
 "Well, I'm going back east..............."

Then I hear the person, all flustered, say:
 "Look, I'll call you back--every time I ask you a question
 this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!"

[chuckrudy]

good one

[Green Mountian Hunter]

   

[30-30]

                               King Arthur
 

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
 neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved
 by Arthur's youth and ideals So the monarch offered him freedom, as long
 as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to
 figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be
 put to death....

 The question: What do women really want?

 Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to
 young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than
 death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

 He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the
 prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with
 everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

 Many people advised him to consult the old witch. Only she would know
 the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the
 kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

 The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk
 to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he'd have to accept
 her price first: The old witch wanted to marry him.

 Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only
 one tooth, smelled like sewage, and made obscene noises. He had never
 encountered such a repugnant creature.

 Finally, having no real choice, he agreed. Their wedding was proclaimed,
 and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants
 is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch
 had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it
 was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

 What a wedding Arthur and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief
 and anguish. He was proper as always, gentle, and courteous. The old
 witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very
 uncomfortable.

 The hour approached. Arthur, steeling himself for a horrific experience,
 entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful
 woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Arthur asked what
 had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her
 when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible,
 deformed self half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful
 maiden self.

 Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the
 night? What a cruel question! Arthur pondered his predicament. During
 the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the
 privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a
 hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many
 intimate moments?

 What would you do?

 What Arthur chose follows below......but don't read until you've made
 your own choice.......

 .

 .

 .

 .

 .

 .

 .

 Noble Arthur replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
 hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
 because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her
 own life.

 What is the moral of this story?

 The moral is:

 If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly!

[chuckrudy]

nice

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
 around with a fly swatter.

 "What are you doing?" She asked.

 "Hunting Flies" He responded.

 "Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.

 "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.

 Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

 He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

[chuckrudy]

good one.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

                    Only from the mouths of Kids


 "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and
 gave all my money to the church, would that get me into
 Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.
"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and
 kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all
 the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into
 Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[joe snag]

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns
Over Women
 
   



And here we go...



#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.



#9 - You can keep one gun at
home and have another for when you're on the road.



#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him , he will
probably let you try it out.



#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another
gun for a backup.



#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of
ammo.



#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.



#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.



#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me
look fat?"



#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.



And the Number
One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun 
 
 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

            Nice one Joe    But how come they don't mention it don't talk back 

[30-30]

(Dear Abby) admitted she was at a total loss to answer these.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the
 hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and
 the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.
 These two women go everywhere together, and I've never
 seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you
 think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity,
 language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats
 so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
 Abby, I suspected that my husband had been
 fooling around, and when I confronted him with the
 evidence he denied everything and said it would never
 happen again . Should I believe him?

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why
 would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home
 turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've
 seen it. Now, how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My 40-year-old son has been paying a
 psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half
 years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do
 you think she is going through her mental pause?

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost
 all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my
 husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a
 doctor. What now?