Comic Relief!!

[30-30]

THOUGHTS
 
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
 
I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
 
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
 
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
 
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
 
A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it  lives for 150 years.
 
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
 
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
 
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

 


1.    I started out with nothing, and I still have most of  it.
 
2.    My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
 
3.    I  finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
 
4.    Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
 
5.    Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
 
6.    If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
 
7.    It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
 
8.    Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant; the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
9.    I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
 
10.  Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
 
11.  Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
 
12.  It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
 
13.  The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
 
14.  If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
 
15.  When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
 
16.  It's not hard to meet expenses.... they're everywhere.
 
17.  The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
 
18.  These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter, I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm "here after".
 
19.  Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
 
20.  HAVE  I POSTED THIS BEFORE!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Thought For The Day  -  There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and erections and no recollection of what to do with them!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Cargo]

30/30 I like "thoughts" the truth hurts!

[30-30]

Oldtimer: Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

[Raquettedacker]

   

[30-30]

           I think they drank to much Keystone! LOL

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[fishnmachine]

Haha! Wish I had a goodbye squirrel. 

[30-30]

Tony wakes up at home with a HUGE hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Tony looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

He goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Tony asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Tony asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone. . . I'm married!'"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

 Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell
 phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
 speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
 WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
 MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
 leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
 MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
 saw the new 2016 models. I saw one I really liked."
 MAN: "How much?"
 WOMAN: "$60,000"
 MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we
 wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
 MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just
 offer $900,000."
 WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
 MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking
 at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this
 phone belongs to?"

[chuckrudy]

nice

[Cargo]

Good One!