Comic Relief!!

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Stupid Laws In the United States
 

 Nebraska
 A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a
 church service.

 New Mexico
 Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.

 New York
 A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically
 prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking
 "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this
 magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a
 "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside
 for a stroll.

 North Dakota
 Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

 Ohio
 Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

 Oklahoma
 Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.

 Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by
 the state.

 Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in
 groups of three or more on private property.

Pennsylvania
 A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust
 under a rug in a dwelling.

 No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.

 Texas
 A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first
 obtaining a special five-dollar permit.

 It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

 Vermont
 Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each
 week - on Saturday night.

 Washington
 All lollipops are banned.

 A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal
 intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he
 is entering the town."

 West Virginia
 No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

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Go Figure!
 

 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where
 a train stops. On my desk I have a work station. GO FIGURE!
 *
 If Fedex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP
 *
 If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool
 came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
 *
 Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
 *
 What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
 men?
 *
 I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
 husbands on beer cans.
 *
 I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
 whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me--they
 were cramming for their finals.
 *
 I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little
 tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use.
 Toothpicks?
 *
 Why do they put up pictures of criminals in the post office?
 What are we supposed to do, write to these men? Why don't
 they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the
 mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                     
Porridge

It’s a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge!” he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars. Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, “For Goodness sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven’t made the porridge yet!”

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It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. 
"That's cool," says Bobby. 

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." 

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby--so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, Bobby's eyes light up at that. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. 

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

       Frog’s Dream

A small frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is gonna meet a young girl.
The teller tells him, “Yes, you are.”
The frog replies, “Where? In a bar or at a party?”
The teller says, “In biology class!”

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A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that could service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" 
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse, though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Randy strutted into the henhouse and set to work. 

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself!" But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. 

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy. 

The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you, my little buddy." 

"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                               
                                                   The two  Duck  Hunters

                               Two guys were out hunting, but they werent getting any ducks.
                               “What do you think the problem is?” one man asked his companion.
                               “I dunno,” came the reply, “Maybe we arent throwing the dog up high enough.”

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WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:

 Your last name stays put.
 The garage is all yours.
 Wedding plans take care of themselves.
 Chocolate is just another snack.
 You can be President.
 You can never be pregnant.
 You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
 You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
 Car mechanics tell you the truth.
 The world is your urinal.
 You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
 You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
 Same work, more pay.
 Wrinkles add character.
 Wedding dress: $5000. Tux rental: $100.
 People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
 New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
 One mood all the time.
 Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
 You know stuff about tanks.
 A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
 You can open all your own jars.
 You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
 If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
 Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
 Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
 You almost never have strap problems in public.
 You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
 Everything on your face stays its original color.
 The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
 You only have to shave your face and neck.
 You can play with toys all your life.
 One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
 You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
 You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
 You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
 You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
 No wonder men are happier.