Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 602296 times)

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5565 on: Mar 28, 2021, 01:53:12 PM »
 :D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5566 on: Mar 29, 2021, 04:37:29 AM »


A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a "Living Will"

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5567 on: Mar 29, 2021, 07:22:19 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5568 on: Mar 30, 2021, 03:34:21 AM »


A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV. The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks, "What are you staring at?"
"A spider," he replies.
"I don't see anything," she says.
"Oh, it must have fallen on your head," he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming...
The man says, "While you're up, can you get me another beer?"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5569 on: Mar 30, 2021, 06:00:48 AM »
 ;D ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5570 on: Mar 31, 2021, 03:37:55 AM »


My doctor has advised me to stop drinking.
It's going to be a massive change for me.
I've been with that doctor for 15 years.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5571 on: Mar 31, 2021, 08:28:44 AM »
 ;DO


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5572 on: Apr 02, 2021, 03:46:01 AM »

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wifeís car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5573 on: Apr 02, 2021, 07:24:50 AM »
 ;D :D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5574 on: Apr 06, 2021, 04:59:47 AM »


Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"Thatís funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5575 on: Apr 07, 2021, 04:24:33 AM »


Signs you are getting old:
1. You don't hold in your stomach when someone young and attractive enters the room.

2. You can live with out sex but not without glasses.

3. You are proud of your lawn mower.

4. Your friend is dating someone half his age, but not breaking the law.

5. You can sing along with elevator music.

6. Someone calls your house at 9 pm, and asks, 'Did I wake you up?'


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5576 on: Apr 07, 2021, 05:57:38 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5577 on: Apr 08, 2021, 04:39:33 AM »


An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5578 on: Apr 08, 2021, 11:54:22 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5579 on: Apr 09, 2021, 03:57:59 AM »


Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"



Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"



Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again".

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man".

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"




 


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