Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 552941 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5235 on: Jan 27, 2020, 03:35:09 AM »


The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!" The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5236 on: Jan 28, 2020, 03:27:51 AM »


A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning. "After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5237 on: Jan 31, 2020, 04:59:31 AM »


Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5238 on: Feb 01, 2020, 03:39:32 AM »


A woman met her husband at the train station after work for the ride home. He looked haggard, so she asked, "Rough day?" "You bet it was," he groaned. "Our computers were down, and we had to think all day long."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5239 on: Feb 02, 2020, 03:33:52 AM »


A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!'' ''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. 'Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.'' ''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5240 on: Feb 06, 2020, 03:55:26 AM »


The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions."Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?" "Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5241 on: Feb 07, 2020, 04:39:18 AM »


A driver tucked a note under the windshield wiper of his automobile saying, "I've circled this block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park in this no-parking zone I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." When he came back, he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled this block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." #joke


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5242 on: Feb 08, 2020, 04:07:53 AM »


A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?" Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Little Johnny: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Little Johnny: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Little Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Little Johnny, after a moment, "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Little Johnny replied, "Pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Little Johnny: "Pants" Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Little Johnny: Coconut The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Little Johnny was taking charge. Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Little Johnny: Bubblegum Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Little Johnny: Shake hands Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Little Johnny: Yep. Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Little Johnny: Tent Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. Principal was looking restless and bit tense. Little Johnny: Wedding Ring Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Little Johnny: Nose Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Little Johnny: Arrow Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement? Little Johnny: Firetruck The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Little Johnny in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5243 on: Feb 09, 2020, 04:07:49 AM »


An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA. Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!"Officer says "yes" .Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5244 on: Feb 10, 2020, 03:13:53 AM »

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke? "In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. "Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? "The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."



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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5245 on: Feb 11, 2020, 05:13:08 AM »


A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago " The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way." Now, what was it she wanted?" The clerk answered, "Snow."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5246 on: Feb 13, 2020, 03:32:27 AM »


A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter. "Welcome!" he says. "Because we are currently operating at 99%capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance." "Okay," says the blonde. "Here's your question: name two days of the week that begin with the letter T." "That's easy. Today and tomorrow!" "Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?" "That's easy. Twelve!" "Twelve?" "January second, February second, March second--" "Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance. What's God's name?" "That's easy. Howard!" "Howard?" "You know -- 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5247 on: Feb 18, 2020, 04:43:17 AM »


The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock?" - all the men stood up. "No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" - all the women stood up. "No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." - half the women stood up. "No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" - all the nuns stood up.


Offline joe snag

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5248 on: Feb 18, 2020, 07:25:53 PM »
I'm back--old PC shltthebed

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5249 on: Feb 19, 2020, 04:49:00 AM »


Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.


 


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