Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 522849 times)

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5205 on: Dec 11, 2019, 04:26:53 AM »


A heavily bandaged man was sitting up in bed at the hospital when his friend came to visit. "What happened to you?" the friend asked. "Well, we went to the amusement park and decided to ride the roller coaster. As we came to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I went around again, but we went by so quickly that I still couldn't see what the sign said. By now I was determined, so I went around a third time. As we reached the top I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked his friend. "Yeah... The sign said 'Remain seated at all times!'"

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5206 on: Dec 12, 2019, 04:34:07 AM »


Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? ""Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5207 on: Dec 13, 2019, 03:36:02 AM »


There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle.He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! So what is the moral of this story?????............................ You can't kill two birds with one stone!!


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5208 on: Dec 14, 2019, 04:35:30 AM »


After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00."That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00."That's still quite a bit," Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. " What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap." The clerk handed him a mirror.


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5209 on: Dec 15, 2019, 04:37:47 AM »

A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin. The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath." The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So, he decides to ask a minister. The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him. Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath. Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others are convinced that sex is work?" The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."



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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5210 on: Dec 16, 2019, 05:00:34 AM »


The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?" He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5211 on: Dec 17, 2019, 02:46:19 AM »


One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"" Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear." A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"" Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear." A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?" Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?""Because I'm freezing to death out here!"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5212 on: Dec 18, 2019, 03:28:19 AM »


Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"" Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk." That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5213 on: Dec 22, 2019, 04:02:14 AM »


A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." " What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" " That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase...in time." " Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5214 on: Dec 25, 2019, 04:00:10 AM »


I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. "Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that? "He replied, "They're all nocturnal."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5215 on: Dec 28, 2019, 03:50:30 AM »


Q: Why was Adam a famous runner?

 A: Because he was first in the human race.

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5216 on: Dec 30, 2019, 04:54:23 AM »


 Bubba: "Why do you call your pet fawn 'Ninety-Nine Cents'?" Lonnie: "Because itís not old enough to be a buck."

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5217 on: Dec 31, 2019, 04:43:45 AM »


Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman." Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms really *really* hard." So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground two stories below. Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the heck happened?!?"Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him."

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5218 on: Jan 01, 2020, 04:26:51 AM »


A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5219 on: Jan 03, 2020, 04:01:13 AM »


Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Michael's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." Michael's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......", then the electric power goes out. Michael's wife is very upset and, with a worried look on her face, she says, "Honey, I don' know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?" With the love and understanding in Michael's voice, like all the men who are married to blondes exhibit, Michael says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time. #joke #blond