Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 502665 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5190 on: Nov 17, 2019, 03:04:38 AM »


Two prison inmates were standing in the cafeteria line getting lunch...
One inmate said to the other inmate, "When I was governor, the food was much better!"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5191 on: Nov 18, 2019, 03:43:43 AM »


One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted-living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself.
"Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5192 on: Nov 19, 2019, 04:46:37 AM »


A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.

Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5193 on: Nov 22, 2019, 03:44:15 AM »


A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'



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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5194 on: Nov 24, 2019, 04:31:10 AM »


A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5195 on: Nov 26, 2019, 04:26:16 AM »


A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son. Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound & your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's called golf."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5196 on: Nov 27, 2019, 03:29:38 AM »


A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound Of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is$2.50."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5197 on: Nov 28, 2019, 03:16:06 AM »


Baby Bruno was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
"What are you doing?" Bruno asked.
"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey", his grandmother replied.
"That's cool!" Bruno said.
"Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5198 on: Dec 03, 2019, 04:04:44 AM »


I spent five dollars for a weather app on my phone. I got two dollars and fifteen cents back in 'climate change'.


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5199 on: Dec 04, 2019, 04:56:58 AM »


Mikey: "I ate a submarine sandwich for lunch and I think I'm going to be sick. "Mother: "What makes you say that? "Mikey: "It's starting to surface."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5200 on: Dec 05, 2019, 03:02:38 AM »


A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him.The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5201 on: Dec 06, 2019, 03:11:48 AM »


An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question. But, he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer. So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees." After a brief explanation, the little girl appears wide-eyed in disbelief. "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" the father asks. The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell  you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5202 on: Dec 08, 2019, 03:02:08 AM »


A man was walking down a street in Washington. A man walking behind him suddenly pulled out a gun and said, "Gimme all your money, now!" The victim said, "You can't do this to me! I'm a Congressman!" The robber thought for a moment, then said, "In that case, gimme all of MY money!"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5203 on: Dec 09, 2019, 04:23:26 AM »


A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I aint horny, Im homesick."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5204 on: Dec 10, 2019, 04:47:38 AM »


A man goes to see his bank manager one day and says: "I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?""That's simple," replies the bank manager. "All you have to do is buy a big one and wait."