Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 502626 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5115 on: Aug 01, 2019, 04:06:09 AM »


An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Golden Wedding Anniversary.
"Let's have a big party, Homer," she suggested. "You'll need to kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5116 on: Aug 02, 2019, 03:44:28 AM »


Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?
A: In case they have to draw blood.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5117 on: Aug 03, 2019, 05:58:28 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5118 on: Aug 05, 2019, 04:25:12 AM »


I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.
Iíll let you know.

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5119 on: Aug 07, 2019, 04:33:31 AM »


During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level

He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.' Inspired by the story, the doctor said, 'You must be one hell of an outdoors man!' 'NAH,' he replied, 'I'm just a lousy golfer.'



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5120 on: Aug 08, 2019, 04:45:08 AM »


Two drunks went into a bar and had a few beers. One got up and went into the bathroom while the other remained at the bar talking to the bartender.
All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the bathroom. The drunk at the bar said to the bartender that it sounded like his partner screaming, so he went into the toilet to investigate.
He went inside and asked his friend what the problem was. His friend said that every time he flushed the toilet something reached up and hit him on the bottom.
His friend shook his head and said, "You soft beggar, you're sitting on the mop bucket."



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5121 on: Aug 09, 2019, 03:59:07 AM »


Silly Collection 10

What do you call an American drawing?
Yankee doodle!

I was once in a play called "Breakfast in Bed"
Did you have a big role?
No just toast and marmalade!

What key went to college?
Yale!

What is a volcano?
A mountain with hiccups!

Why was the broom late?

It over slept!

What runs but never walks?
Water!

What is green, four legs and two trunks?
Two seasick tourists!


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5122 on: Aug 10, 2019, 05:53:21 AM »


My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The operator asked me what Ian's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his surname. When she asked for his department, I said I didn't know.
"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather curtly.
After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name.
"Danielle," she said.
"And your last name?" I asked.
"Sorry," she replied, "we don't give out last names."



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5123 on: Aug 10, 2019, 07:30:12 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5124 on: Aug 12, 2019, 05:29:57 AM »


A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.

Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.



The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5125 on: Aug 14, 2019, 04:32:23 AM »


The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."

"What for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5126 on: Aug 15, 2019, 03:33:03 AM »


A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area."
The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car. Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5127 on: Aug 17, 2019, 06:53:48 AM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5128 on: Aug 20, 2019, 03:48:29 AM »


A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5129 on: Aug 22, 2019, 03:27:13 AM »


Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.
He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand, "Congratulations Harry! I just wanted to tell you I've been married for twenty two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.

"But sir", said Harry, a little bit confused, "I'm not getting married until tomorrow!"
"Yeah, I know," said his boss.