Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 491270 times)

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5100 on: Jul 14, 2019, 07:03:33 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5101 on: Jul 15, 2019, 04:39:43 AM »


3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to an orientation in Heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!'"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5102 on: Jul 17, 2019, 05:46:15 AM »


A wife was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When she found a prominent gray hair in her bangs, she pointed to her forehead and asked her husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?"
"What?" he asked, "the wrinkles?"



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5103 on: Jul 19, 2019, 04:59:52 AM »


When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first seven years are the hardest," she said.
"How long have you been married?" I asked.
"Seven years," she replied.

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5104 on: Jul 20, 2019, 04:46:21 AM »


A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5105 on: Jul 21, 2019, 01:10:51 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5106 on: Jul 22, 2019, 04:36:57 AM »


What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and an angry spouse yelling on the back porch?
The dog quits barking once back inside.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5107 on: Jul 23, 2019, 05:07:18 AM »


George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."
Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.
The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5108 on: Jul 24, 2019, 03:40:47 AM »


During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5109 on: Jul 25, 2019, 05:14:25 AM »


There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!
ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap!

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5110 on: Jul 26, 2019, 03:30:03 AM »


A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5111 on: Jul 27, 2019, 05:06:44 AM »


I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to teach the students how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers."How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes?Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"
"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5112 on: Jul 29, 2019, 06:10:43 AM »


A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank but he didn't have a bucket or can.

One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left.The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.

The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said: "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but you sure have faith!"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5113 on: Jul 30, 2019, 03:57:28 AM »


My boss told me to have a good day, so i went home.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5114 on: Jul 31, 2019, 04:17:24 AM »


A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.
The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.
Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.
"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."



 


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