Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 486197 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5070 on: Jun 11, 2019, 05:16:07 AM »


Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5071 on: Jun 12, 2019, 03:57:11 AM »


One night a lady with a black eye stumbled into a police station. She told the desk sergeant that she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the face and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same attacker?" his captain asked.
"No, sir," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5072 on: Jun 14, 2019, 03:00:17 AM »


So I walked into a this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent. I said: So, are you two girls from Scotland?
One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"
So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two Whales from Scotland?"
That's the last thing I remember.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5073 on: Jun 16, 2019, 03:05:29 AM »


The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to piss anyone off."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5074 on: Jun 16, 2019, 07:15:33 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5075 on: Jun 17, 2019, 04:12:18 AM »


A repeat offender was brought before the judge, who said, "Haven't I seen you in here several times before? And didn't I tell you I never wanted to see you in here again?"
The offender replied, "Yes, Your Honor, that's exactly what I told the officer, but he insisted I come anyway!"

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5076 on: Jun 19, 2019, 04:13:56 AM »


A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."



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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5077 on: Jun 21, 2019, 02:20:43 AM »


Little Johnny's father took him on a fishing trip to Canada.
On returning home after catching only three fish his father says, "The way I figure it each fish cost us $400!"
Little Johnny replied, "Well, at that price itís a good thing we didnít catch any more of them than we did."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5078 on: Jun 22, 2019, 03:00:30 AM »


Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read.
Donna asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?" The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word."
Donna then said, "I want the obituary to read - MIKE IS DEAD."
The under taker was an old fishing buddy of Mike's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered,

"I'll make you a special deal since I knew Mike so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket."
Donna's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read - MIKE IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE."



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5079 on: Jun 22, 2019, 04:20:25 PM »
Haha   :D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5080 on: Jun 23, 2019, 05:16:46 AM »


A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, but his wife just sat watching him.

The young man felt sorry for them and asked "I'm sorry to intrude, but would you allow me to purchase another meal for your wife so that you don't have to split your food?"

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no, thank you. But you see, we've been married a long time, and everything has always been shared, 50/50."

The young man said, "Wow! That's commendable." He then turned to the wife and asked, "Aren't you going to eat your share?"

The wife replied "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5081 on: Jun 25, 2019, 03:27:06 AM »


Boss to the new employee: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5082 on: Jun 26, 2019, 03:01:12 AM »
 :D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5083 on: Jun 26, 2019, 03:59:21 AM »


An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5084 on: Jun 28, 2019, 04:15:04 AM »


I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day


 


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