Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 473630 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5025 on: May 03, 2019, 05:22:45 AM »


There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5026 on: May 04, 2019, 04:13:12 AM »


Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5027 on: May 04, 2019, 08:03:28 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5028 on: May 05, 2019, 04:30:28 AM »


On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5029 on: May 05, 2019, 08:59:54 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5030 on: May 06, 2019, 04:14:17 AM »


During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento
When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5031 on: May 07, 2019, 05:17:05 AM »


A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5032 on: May 08, 2019, 04:02:44 AM »


A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5033 on: May 09, 2019, 04:43:14 AM »


A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex.
The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.

The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5034 on: May 10, 2019, 04:31:01 AM »


One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said'Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5035 on: May 11, 2019, 04:05:42 AM »


Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm the chip monk."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5036 on: May 12, 2019, 04:27:25 AM »


A woman walks into a Ferrari dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams. She walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her. Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed, and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But as she turns back, there standing next to her is a handsome young salesman.
"Good day Madam, how may I help you?"
Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this fabulous vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, I'm afraid I can't say. If you farted just touching it, you're going to crap yourself when you hear the price."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5037 on: May 13, 2019, 03:46:33 AM »


Henry's son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was.
"Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."
"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off."
"But that's just what I did, mommy."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5038 on: May 14, 2019, 05:17:02 AM »


Jeff Dunham: Walter, your wife is a lovely woman.
Walter: Shes getting old.
Jeff Dunham: Well, you know, they say that women age like fine wine.
Walter: Shes aging like milk.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5039 on: May 15, 2019, 04:25:40 AM »


Prior to taking retirement and selling off his land, a farmer needed to get rid of all the animals he owned, so he decided to call on every house in his village. At houses where the man was the boss, he gave a horse; at houses where the woman was the boss, he gave a chicken.
Approaching one cottage, he saw a couple gardening and called out, "Who's the boss around here?"
"I am," said the man.
The farmer said, "I have a black horse and a brown horse. Which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, get the brown one," said his wife.
The farmer said, "Here's your chicken."


 


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