Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 481588 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4935 on: Feb 10, 2019, 05:38:36 AM »


The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."



"You're on, old man," the young man bragged replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."




Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4936 on: Feb 11, 2019, 02:50:36 AM »


In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said,
"Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche"
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam. Little Adam stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Adam, why silicon?"
"Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars parked outside of our house!!"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4937 on: Feb 12, 2019, 03:14:26 AM »


I don't know why most people think a dog's life is so easy.
Every time I come home from work, I ask my dog how his day went.
He always says, "Rough!"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4938 on: Feb 13, 2019, 03:13:46 AM »


All of his life Len from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!
Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, "Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather was born in January, you were born in July."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4939 on: Feb 14, 2019, 03:44:24 AM »


A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.
One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to hell."
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."
Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it."
So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?"
The redhead says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to hell!"
They were shocked and asked why.
"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4940 on: Feb 15, 2019, 04:25:13 AM »


There was once a man who lived in a poor country. He went to law school and became a very intelligent person. Years later, he decided to go back to his country to show them how worthy he is. He started his own office. The next day, he saw a man walking into his office. He picked up the phone and gestured the man to come in and pretended he was talking to very famous people and cancelling meetings with presidents, etc. After he put down the phone several minutes later, he apologized to the man and said, "Sorry to keep you waiting. As you can see, I'm a very busy man. What can I do for you?" The man smiled and said, "I'm from the telephone company. I'm here to hook up you phone."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4941 on: Feb 15, 2019, 07:53:48 PM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4942 on: Feb 16, 2019, 03:59:08 AM »


Darling," a husband whispered to his wife late one night, "if I died, would you get married again?"
"I suppose so," she replied.
"Would you sleep in the same bed with him?" he asked.
"Well, it's the only bed in the house, so I have no choice," she replied.
"Would you make love to him?" he asked.
"Honey," the woman said patiently, "of course I would. He would be my husband."
"Would you give him my car?" he asked.
"No," she yawned. "He can't drive a stick shift.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4943 on: Feb 17, 2019, 03:29:07 AM »


A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4944 on: Feb 18, 2019, 03:33:47 AM »


Geography of a Woman:
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece - gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain - with a glorious and all-conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages ... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
Geography of a man:
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4945 on: Feb 18, 2019, 04:55:45 PM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4946 on: Feb 19, 2019, 02:53:57 AM »


A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles,and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4947 on: Feb 20, 2019, 03:59:55 AM »


A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and sheís in serious financial trouble. Sheís so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray..."God, please help me. Iíve lost my business and if I donít get some money, Iím going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! Iíve lost my business, my house and Iím going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? Iíve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I donít often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself:
"Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4948 on: Feb 21, 2019, 03:42:44 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4949 on: Feb 21, 2019, 04:23:36 AM »


A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"
The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles.
"Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"
"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my life."
"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?"
"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.


 


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