Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 413304 times)

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4785 on: Oct 04, 18, 05:19:39 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4786 on: Oct 05, 18, 03:32:26 AM »


A husband and wife, vacationing in Rome, were being shown through the Colosseum.
"Now, this room," said the guide, "is where the slaves dressed to fight the lions."
"But how does one dress to fight lions?" inquired the husband.
"Very slow-w-w-w-w-w-ly," replied the guide.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4787 on: Oct 05, 18, 05:46:59 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4788 on: Oct 06, 18, 03:06:28 AM »


This morning I went to sign my Dog up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my Dog is a mix in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is. He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because he is a dog.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dog gets his first check Friday.
This is a great country!



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4789 on: Oct 06, 18, 06:54:31 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4790 on: Oct 07, 18, 04:58:36 AM »


Three nuns died and visited St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said he would admit them if they each answered one question.He turned to the first nun and asked, "Who was the first man?""Adam," the nun confidently replied. The trumpets sounded and the angels sang as the gates swung open and she walked into heaven.St. Peter turned to the second nun. "Who was the first woman?" "Eve," she replied. The trumpets sounded and the angels sang.Then St. Peter turned to the last nun. "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"The nun paused for a moment. "Gee, that's a hard one!"The trumpets sounded and the angels sang.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4791 on: Oct 07, 18, 11:16:05 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4792 on: Oct 08, 18, 03:53:45 AM »


One day there were two boys playing by a stream.
One boy went over to the bush to check out some noises. He pointed out a woman bathing naked in the steam. So, both boys decided to stay and watch her.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.
Finally he caught up to him and asked his friend why he had run away. The second boy said to his friend, "My mum told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4793 on: Oct 08, 18, 05:35:38 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4794 on: Oct 09, 18, 03:32:35 AM »


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear,what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed , "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4795 on: Oct 09, 18, 05:17:34 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4796 on: Oct 10, 18, 03:21:18 AM »


The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off.
The general looks at the second young man and asked,"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4797 on: Oct 11, 18, 04:44:32 AM »


A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam," she says. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..." He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything." His voice softens, "Anything?" "Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4798 on: Oct 12, 18, 04:01:47 AM »


If men ran the world...

- Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the butt and a 'Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time' would pretty much do it.

- Birth control would come in ale or lager.

- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

- St. Patrick's Day would be celebrated every month.

- Garbage would take itself out.

- The only show opposite 'Monday Night Football' would be 'Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.'

- Instead of 'beer-belly,' you'd get 'beer-biceps.'

- Tanks would be far easier to rent.

- Two words... 'Ally McNaked.'

- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: 'You know how fast you were going?'You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.' Cop :'Nice one, That's $10.00 off'.

- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.



- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

- Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said 'You're #1!'

- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to 'I love you.'

- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

- 'Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night,' would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

- At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

- Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards.


      IW

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4799 on: Oct 13, 18, 03:53:54 AM »


If Women ruled the world...
- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
- Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

- A man would no longer be considered a 'good catch' simply because he is breathing.

- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

- Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

- 'Ms.' Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

- Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.



- Little girls would read 'Snow White and the Seven Hunks.'

- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

- Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

- Men would learn phrases like:'I'm sorry,' 'I love you,' 'You're beautiful,' 'Of course you don't look fat in that outfit.'

- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

- Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

- All toilet seats would be nailed down.

- Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

- TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

- All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year-olds.

- Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.