Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 414813 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4680 on: Aug 10, 18, 02:52:35 AM »


One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"



Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat , and shot the canary."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4681 on: Aug 10, 18, 03:49:32 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4682 on: Aug 11, 18, 06:15:52 AM »


A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4683 on: Aug 11, 18, 08:53:15 AM »
 ;D


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4684 on: Aug 12, 18, 07:25:07 AM »


    Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet ?

    So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4685 on: Aug 12, 18, 07:26:42 AM »


A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."




Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4686 on: Aug 13, 18, 03:13:52 AM »


Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4687 on: Aug 13, 18, 05:13:13 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4688 on: Aug 14, 18, 04:21:35 AM »


An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4689 on: Aug 14, 18, 05:11:50 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4690 on: Aug 15, 18, 04:22:46 AM »


Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4691 on: Aug 15, 18, 04:51:01 PM »
 ;D


Offline Raquettedacker

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4692 on: Aug 15, 18, 05:37:21 PM »
He He Ha Ha... ;D ;D     ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Good one Jeff,...
"Dying is the easy part. Learning how to live is the hard part..."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4693 on: Aug 16, 18, 05:14:39 AM »


   A little girl and her dog are walking through the forest when they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can't make their way out. The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find themselves engulfed in utter darkness.
Off in the distance, the wolves begin howling. Each howl is louder and closer than the last.
The little girl holds the dog close to her chest and says sadly to the dog, "This is the worst mess in which ever have found ourselves, my darling Sparky."
"Yeah," the dog says, "we're really screwed."
"Sparky," the girl says, astonished, "I didn't know you could talk."
"Well," the dog says, "I was kinda waiting for the right time to tell you."

         

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4694 on: Aug 16, 18, 05:25:15 AM »


A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"



The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz."

So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.

The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!

The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

"Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . . "

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No . . . "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."