Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 486182 times)

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4665 on: Aug 04, 2018, 06:27:25 AM »

















AN OLD FART

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. While sitting in her new room, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. After a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" She replies, "It's pretty nice -- except they won't let you fart."
« Last Edit: Aug 04, 2018, 06:32:05 AM by Green Mountian Hunter »


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4666 on: Aug 05, 2018, 03:43:47 AM »


                     ;D

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4667 on: Aug 05, 2018, 03:44:15 AM »



One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.
The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.



“Was that all you wanted?” Murphy replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!”




Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4668 on: Aug 05, 2018, 06:14:11 AM »
hehe  ;D


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4669 on: Aug 05, 2018, 06:28:37 AM »
 The human brain is amazing. It functions 24/7 from when we were born & only stops when you take a test or talk to someone attractive.
« Last Edit: Aug 05, 2018, 06:29:58 AM by Green Mountian Hunter »


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4670 on: Aug 06, 2018, 04:03:42 AM »


                     ;D

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4671 on: Aug 06, 2018, 04:04:16 AM »


A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4672 on: Aug 07, 2018, 03:42:46 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4673 on: Aug 07, 2018, 04:34:50 AM »


My wife was going through her wardrobe and said 'Look at this, it still fits me after 25 years'
I said 'It's a freaking scarf'


Offline fishnmachine

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4674 on: Aug 07, 2018, 06:56:16 AM »

My wife was going through her wardrobe and said 'Look at this, it still fits me after 25 years'
I said 'It's a freaking scarf'
LMAO! And you'd be a brave man to say so!!! (Or a fool!)  ;D  ;D
It'll chew...

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4675 on: Aug 07, 2018, 05:05:39 PM »

My wife was going through her wardrobe and said 'Look at this, it still fits me after 25 years'
I said 'It's a freaking scarf'


hahaha  I think see would be after you with a broom  :) :)


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4676 on: Aug 08, 2018, 03:25:15 AM »
hahaha  I think see would be after you with a broom  :) :)

           She wouldn't do that She needs her broom to ride on! ;D

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4677 on: Aug 08, 2018, 03:25:45 AM »


A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4678 on: Aug 08, 2018, 03:28:41 AM »


A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, 'You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little turd on your lap.'

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4679 on: Aug 09, 2018, 03:00:28 AM »


Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that wasclosed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the youngeralien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come inpeace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don'twant to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at thepump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over  his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'


 


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