Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 408578 times)

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4620 on: Jul 10, 18, 04:49:51 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4621 on: Jul 11, 18, 04:09:45 AM »


Five Undeniable Facts

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is
grown up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that
the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a
hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's
husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson,
Heineken, Coors & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab
whatever is available.

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4622 on: Jul 11, 18, 04:20:44 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4623 on: Jul 13, 18, 04:17:13 AM »


A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.

Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what "you've" been doing."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4624 on: Jul 13, 18, 04:06:37 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4625 on: Jul 14, 18, 03:23:29 AM »


A small town prosecuting barrister called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a attractive middle aged lady. He approached her and asked, "Ms. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "I do know you Mr. Leigh. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Knowles since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both barristers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4626 on: Jul 14, 18, 10:04:47 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4627 on: Jul 15, 18, 05:37:35 AM »

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.Johnny asked his mom, “Where’d he come from?”“He came from heaven, Johnny.”“Wow! I can see why they threw him out!”



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4628 on: Jul 15, 18, 06:25:11 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4629 on: Jul 18, 18, 04:15:31 AM »


Lexophile" is a word used to describe those who have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
 

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
 
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
 
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
 
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
 
…I can’t canoe-can you?
 
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
 
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
 
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
 
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
 
.. When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.
 
.. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
 
. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
 
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
 
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
 
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
 
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
 
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
 
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
 
 And the cream of the wretched crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
 
 
 
 

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4630 on: Jul 19, 18, 04:22:27 AM »


When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.
But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches???" the doctor asked.

"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4631 on: Jul 19, 18, 05:31:48 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4632 on: Jul 20, 18, 03:50:25 AM »


The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle.

After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked 'I've always wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt'.

The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in perfect working order'.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4633 on: Jul 20, 18, 03:52:01 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4634 on: Jul 21, 18, 04:38:49 AM »


One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.""Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.
"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."


 


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