Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 414819 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4560 on: Jun 14, 18, 04:44:23 AM »


A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

 Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

 He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

 She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

 He thanked her and went back to his golf.

 On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

 She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

 Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

 He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

 He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

 The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

 He approached her and! said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

 She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't."

 "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

 With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

 She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

 "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.
 “I am a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4561 on: Jun 14, 18, 12:58:00 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4562 on: Jun 15, 18, 04:06:31 AM »

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning  The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,  'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4563 on: Jun 16, 18, 04:36:44 AM »


A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again"

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4564 on: Jun 16, 18, 06:55:37 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4565 on: Jun 17, 18, 02:48:03 AM »


Two blondes are walking down the street.  One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,  'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
 
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4566 on: Jun 17, 18, 06:29:53 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4567 on: Jun 18, 18, 04:21:01 AM »


A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of Province capitals.  She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .. I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Manitoba?'  The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy .. it's M.'
 

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4568 on: Jun 18, 18, 04:27:19 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4569 on: Jun 19, 18, 04:12:26 AM »


A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you." Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.""Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty." "That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4570 on: Jun 20, 18, 04:27:14 AM »


Life's a test...graded on a curve...
At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4571 on: Jun 20, 18, 05:20:17 PM »
 ;D   haha


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4572 on: Jun 21, 18, 03:28:16 AM »


 A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4573 on: Jun 21, 18, 05:01:59 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4574 on: Jun 22, 18, 03:36:12 AM »


A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the Rancher