Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 414816 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4500 on: May 08, 18, 03:55:14 AM »


I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars alot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have nowife to go home to... or they do.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4501 on: May 09, 18, 03:37:54 AM »


A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex.
The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.

The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4502 on: May 10, 18, 03:32:34 AM »


A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?""No," her mother replied."Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl."Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother.After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked."Yes," the little girl replied."How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked."I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4503 on: May 10, 18, 03:53:36 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4504 on: May 11, 18, 04:35:05 AM »


If I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4505 on: May 12, 18, 04:25:17 AM »


A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4506 on: May 13, 18, 04:23:52 AM »


An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4507 on: May 13, 18, 06:10:39 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4508 on: May 14, 18, 03:44:29 AM »


A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
he says,"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
she replies,"I can't see my ass coming into work today."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4509 on: May 14, 18, 05:09:02 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4510 on: May 15, 18, 03:56:05 AM »


A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"


The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"   


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4511 on: May 16, 18, 04:05:34 AM »


It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"




Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4512 on: May 17, 18, 05:14:03 AM »


A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4513 on: May 18, 18, 04:04:14 AM »


The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. During the service, our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don't get it. Last week many of you said you wouldn't be at church Sunday because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.”One hunter said, "Well, preacher, it worked. They're all safe.”


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4514 on: May 19, 18, 03:30:23 AM »


Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.

Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"

Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"

To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"

So the second old man rushed to the store.

The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'

"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.

"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.

Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"