Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 413300 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4470 on: Apr 15, 18, 04:53:30 AM »
    http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2016/07/yankee-doodle-stick-feather-cap-call-macaroni/ 
                 Thanks Dom that was an interesting read. It's amazing how terms were started and twisted through out the years.

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4471 on: Apr 16, 18, 04:37:42 AM »


A mother is cleaning her teenage daughter's room when she finds a bondage magazine hidden under the bed. She shows it to her husband and asks him what he thinks they should do.
After flicking through the magazine her husband says, "To be honest I'm not sure, but I don't think spanking her is going to help."



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4472 on: Apr 17, 18, 04:32:19 AM »


Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning, Same thing happens again, his hair is standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn’t believe it!
He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4473 on: Apr 18, 18, 02:54:21 AM »


What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4474 on: Apr 19, 18, 04:45:06 AM »

The other night, my wife was invited out for a night with "the girls." she told me that she'd  would be home by midnight. "she promised," were her last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. the girls piled into a cab and headed to their respective homes, quite inebriated.



Just as she walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

Realizing that I would probably wake up to this, she quickly cuckooed another 9 times. she was quit pleased with herself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up her tardiness. Even with her impaired judgment, she could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, I asked her what time she got in, and confidently, she replied, "Midnight...like she promised." I didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper!

After a moment, I then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

A bit nervously, she asked me why, to which I responded:

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.page:

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4475 on: Apr 20, 18, 03:50:57 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4476 on: Apr 20, 18, 04:29:37 AM »


Signs you are getting old:
1. You don't hold in your stomach when someone young and attractive enters the room.

2. You can live with out sex but not without glasses.

3. You are proud of your lawn mower.

4. Your friend is dating someone half his age, but not breaking the law.

5. You can sing along with elevator music.

6. Someone calls your house at 9 pm, and asks, 'Did I wake you up?'


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4477 on: Apr 21, 18, 03:59:14 AM »

People who live in glass house
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a n*dist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4478 on: Apr 21, 18, 06:02:28 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4479 on: Apr 22, 18, 04:15:28 AM »


Two blondes were working on a house. The one
who was nailing down siding would reach into

his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss

it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other,

figuring this was worth looking into, asked,

"Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out

of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw

it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed

toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and

yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward

you aren't defective! They're for the other side

of the house!"

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4480 on: Apr 23, 18, 03:53:49 AM »
 ;D ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4481 on: Apr 24, 18, 04:34:06 AM »


Passenger to Airline Ticket Agent: I want my brown suitcase sent to Los Angeles, my green suitcase sent to Kansas City, and my tan suitcase sent to New Orleans.
Ticket Agent: I'm sorry, sir; this flight is to Nashville. We can't do that.

Passenger: Why not ? You did it last time.

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4482 on: Apr 25, 18, 04:21:29 AM »


At a Houston at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.  As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a Texas oil rig worker who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!  I don't even know who you are!'

He just smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

 

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4483 on: Apr 26, 18, 03:48:46 AM »
 ;D ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4484 on: Apr 26, 18, 03:52:34 AM »


  God noticed that Adam was lonely. He said to him "Adam, I am going to give you the perfect companion. She'll cook and clean and listen, she's perfect."Adam replied, "What will she cost me?"God said, "An arm and a leg."Shocked, Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"