Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 594797 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5445 on: Dec 26, 2020, 05:05:12 AM »


My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like this one.”


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5446 on: Dec 27, 2020, 03:07:14 AM »


A man was watching TV and enjoying a beer. "Don't go," he yelled at the screen. "Do not enter that building. Walk away. Argh, you stupid man!"
His wife called from the kitchen, "What on earth are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5447 on: Dec 28, 2020, 03:53:11 AM »


Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions."
Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced.
"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin
"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.
"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5448 on: Dec 29, 2020, 04:41:37 AM »


At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child.

"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.'

"But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?"

One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5449 on: Dec 29, 2020, 07:28:41 AM »
 ;DO


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5450 on: Dec 31, 2020, 04:11:28 AM »


One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge...
It'll be called YouTwitFace.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5451 on: Jan 01, 2021, 03:46:22 AM »

The "Claven Theory" offers the best proof that beer actually does make you smarter....."One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went: Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Don't you feel smarter after a few?


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5452 on: Jan 02, 2021, 04:59:24 AM »


There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods."

The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!" The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!"

The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid."

The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again.

Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and is getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, "Well, ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up, but tonight I'm gonna have one."

The bartender hears this and says, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up! But tomorrow I'm going to sneak a quick one."

The businessman then says, "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad a pea in 6 years"

The bartender jumps up screaming, "Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table..."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5453 on: Jan 03, 2021, 04:26:21 AM »


Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY pooped my pants..


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5454 on: Jan 04, 2021, 02:08:15 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5455 on: Jan 04, 2021, 03:39:30 AM »


A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5456 on: Jan 05, 2021, 04:26:53 AM »


A blonde is going to London on a plane; how can you steal her window seat?
Tell her all seats going to London are in the middle row.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5457 on: Jan 07, 2021, 07:07:20 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5458 on: Jan 08, 2021, 03:45:14 AM »


This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5459 on: Jan 08, 2021, 05:20:23 PM »
 ;D


 


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