Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 594795 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5430 on: Dec 10, 2020, 03:34:01 AM »


The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"

"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.

"That's a lion!" answered a little boy.

"Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?"

Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5431 on: Dec 10, 2020, 01:40:53 PM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5432 on: Dec 15, 2020, 04:04:49 AM »


A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr. Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5433 on: Dec 16, 2020, 03:26:45 AM »


Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playgroung, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said " Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that".

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5434 on: Dec 16, 2020, 11:42:29 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5435 on: Dec 17, 2020, 04:33:01 AM »


One day a man called the church office and said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?

The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"

To this, the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the church building fund . . ."

To this, the secretary quickly responded, "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5436 on: Dec 18, 2020, 03:55:37 AM »


Children were called upon a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words "Defeat," "Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail."

Jack stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5437 on: Dec 19, 2020, 03:53:45 AM »


A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline shouted, "12 Brazillian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news, then she turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazillian?"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5438 on: Dec 20, 2020, 04:15:10 AM »


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old's.
After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5439 on: Dec 21, 2020, 04:28:17 AM »


Before crowbars were invented...
...most crows drank at home by themselves.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5440 on: Dec 22, 2020, 04:18:57 AM »


A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5441 on: Dec 22, 2020, 08:07:47 AM »
 ;D


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5442 on: Dec 23, 2020, 03:39:38 AM »


Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5443 on: Dec 24, 2020, 03:43:16 AM »


A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".

After the lawyer finished and handed the man a bill

The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5444 on: Dec 25, 2020, 03:13:06 AM »


What do you call an old snowman?
A: Water

Q: What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A: A Christmas Quacker!

Q: What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
A: Lost



Q: Why is the government like ancient Bethlehem?
A: It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.

Q: Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys?
A: Carbon footprints

Q: Which of Santa's reindeer has the best moves?
A: Dancer!



Q: What do you get if you put a bell on a skunk?
A: Jingle smells

Q: Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
A: They were two deer.

Q: What athlete is warmest in winter?
A: A long jumper!

Q: What happens to elves when they are naughty?
A: Santa gives them the sack!

Q: What do you call a deer who can’t see?
A: No eye-deer!

Q: What is the best Christmas present?
A: A broken drum, you can't beat it!

Q: How does Christmas Day end?
A: With the letter Y!



Q: What do you call Father Christmas on the beach?
A: Sandy Claus!

Q: Who delivers presents to cats?
A: Santa Paws!

Q: What says Oh Oh Oh?
A: Santa walking backwards!

Q: Why can’t Christmas trees knit?
A: Because they always drop their needles!

Q:How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?
A: On the dark side!

Q: What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?
A: Santa going through a revolving door!

Q: What did the sea Say to Santa?
A: Nothing! It just waved!

Q: What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
A: Santa Paws!

Q: What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers?
A: St Nickerless


 


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