Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 522212 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5220 on: Jan 04, 2020, 04:23:30 AM »


A trusted aid was counseling the senator, "Some of your constituents are beginning to disagree with you. "The senator replied, "Keep tabs on them. When enough disagree with me to constitute a reliable majority, I'll turn around and agree with them."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5221 on: Jan 05, 2020, 04:13:08 AM »


A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5222 on: Jan 06, 2020, 05:08:05 AM »

Another new Illness to watch out for ... A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "So, what's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "And what the hell is anal glaucoma?" "I just can't see my butt coming into work today."

« Last Edit: Jan 06, 2020, 05:10:29 AM by 30-30 »

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5223 on: Jan 08, 2020, 03:53:14 AM »


When a woman wears leather clothing A man's heart beats quicker His throat gets dry He goes week in the knees And he begins to think irrationally Ever wonder why? Because she smells like a new truck!!!

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5224 on: Jan 09, 2020, 04:25:14 AM »


A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist. "The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands. "One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist. "The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?""Didn't feel a thing!"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5225 on: Jan 11, 2020, 04:12:57 AM »

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute! "Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute. "She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'? "His reply was: "The drugs are wearing off!"
« Last Edit: Jan 11, 2020, 04:13:36 AM by 30-30 »

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5226 on: Jan 13, 2020, 03:34:03 AM »


There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope. "As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite! "The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5227 on: Jan 15, 2020, 03:42:43 AM »


A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out. "The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5228 on: Jan 17, 2020, 04:49:16 AM »


 I went to my doctor complaining of aches and pains all over my body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gave me a clean bill of health. “You’re in excellent shape for a 72-year-old man,” he said. “But I’m afraid I can’t make you any younger. ”“Who asked you to make me younger?” the I replied. “You just make sure I keep getting older!”


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5229 on: Jan 18, 2020, 03:00:44 AM »


My wife always prefers the elevator, whereas I always like to take the stairs...I guess we are raised differently.


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5230 on: Jan 19, 2020, 05:11:34 AM »


Q: what is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: Trying to hold onto a thought.


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5231 on: Jan 20, 2020, 04:46:43 AM »


Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, 'I'm fine', at the scene of the accident?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for a long, drawn-out story," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!" Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side." He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, he came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5232 on: Jan 21, 2020, 04:04:55 AM »

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early! "Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there."Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us! "So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude? "Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running. "Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm? "Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home. "Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run? "Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."
« Last Edit: Jan 21, 2020, 04:07:38 AM by 30-30 »

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5233 on: Jan 25, 2020, 03:57:04 AM »


A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a Catholic church that was known for its rather “uppity” social reputation. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help. The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church. ”The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and he might get a different answer. The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him. “Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.”

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5234 on: Jan 26, 2020, 03:54:27 AM »


A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Bexfield diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it." "What's the curse?" the man asked."Mr. Bexfield."