Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 495755 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5160 on: Oct 16, 2019, 04:17:05 AM »


Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.
Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.



The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.
Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."
Grandpa said "No, you keep it."
The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.
Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."
Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5161 on: Oct 17, 2019, 04:14:35 AM »


A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5162 on: Oct 18, 2019, 03:35:33 AM »


The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," said the old man.

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5163 on: Oct 19, 2019, 04:11:09 AM »


A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5164 on: Oct 20, 2019, 03:34:47 AM »


A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5165 on: Oct 21, 2019, 05:06:14 AM »


One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5166 on: Oct 22, 2019, 03:35:51 AM »


While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5167 on: Oct 23, 2019, 03:32:21 AM »


After Sunday mass, I wished aloud a blessed afternoon for our priest. "Enjoy your time with the angels!"
"Oh, no," he said. "I'm a Dodgers fan!"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5168 on: Oct 24, 2019, 05:23:14 AM »


The Judge said to the defendant, "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again?"
"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police but they wouldn't listen."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5169 on: Oct 25, 2019, 03:35:17 AM »


A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but youll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, Thats exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, youve owned him for 10 years. He goes, Thats incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying.



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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5170 on: Oct 26, 2019, 04:18:20 AM »


So many items are no longer made in America...
I just bought a new TV and the box said “built in antenna”...
I don’t even know where that is!


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5171 on: Oct 27, 2019, 04:31:49 AM »


A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5172 on: Oct 28, 2019, 04:24:16 AM »



Working at the unemployment office has to be a tense job...
For if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.



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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5173 on: Oct 29, 2019, 04:56:47 AM »


A fourth-grader came into the school office and told the secretary that she had missed her bus, Bus 6.
After checking schedules with the teacher on bus duty, the secretary confirmed that the girl did indeed miss her bus. "But don't worry," she told the child. "We'll call your mother."
"No, you won't," the girl calmly replied. "She's driving Bus 6."



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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5174 on: Oct 30, 2019, 05:00:29 AM »


Claire, after retiring from a busy life in business, travels around the country visiting antique shops trying to find bargains.
One day she goes to an antique shop in Stratford Ct. Here, Claire speaks to Victoria, the shop's owner, "When I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied Victoria, "but I can't possibly sell you that."
"Oh, what a pity, but why not?" inquired Claire.
"Because," said the owner, "that's my husband."


 


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