Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 491253 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5130 on: Aug 24, 2019, 04:13:28 AM »


A man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."



The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5131 on: Aug 25, 2019, 07:07:06 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5132 on: Aug 27, 2019, 03:53:28 AM »


A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.
"Is the housewife in?" he asked. The servant replied: "Just a moment." The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.

Husband: Guess what? I am rich.

Wife: How?

Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.

Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL rich.

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5133 on: Aug 28, 2019, 04:20:48 AM »


A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days.

Replying with concern, the son asks "what's the matter mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?"



Mom replies, not that, "I didn't want to have my mouth full of food when you called."




Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5134 on: Aug 30, 2019, 03:53:56 AM »


One shop owner asks another, "So, have you had any responses to your ad that you're looking for a night watchman?"
"Yeah, we got robbed last night."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5135 on: Sep 05, 2019, 04:58:46 AM »


You Might Be A Redneck If 12

You might be a redneck if...
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5136 on: Sep 07, 2019, 04:22:24 AM »


Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St.Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,"And just what do those Symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5137 on: Sep 08, 2019, 04:12:17 AM »


He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth... back and forth... in and out....
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed...
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder...
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "Okay, Okay! I canít park the car!!! You do it, you bastard!!!"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5138 on: Sep 09, 2019, 03:46:25 AM »


Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"
He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."
She answered back, "It's supposed to!"

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5139 on: Sep 19, 2019, 04:15:16 AM »


A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me,are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?"
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?"
"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a Match."
'Match? Never heard of it."
"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants."
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."
"Well, why not?"
"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I wanta fire."


Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5140 on: Sep 20, 2019, 03:24:55 AM »


There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..."
A blonde came up to her and said, "That looks like fun, can I try?"
The brunette said, "Sure."
So the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88..."
"Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street."
So the blonde said, "OK." and stood in the middle of the street. "88, 88, 88, 88..."
BAM! She was run over by a car, completely flattened.
Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89..."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5141 on: Sep 21, 2019, 04:11:13 AM »


A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants six girls for the evening. The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that there will be no charge. Very happy, he leaves.
A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would like six girls for the evening. In the morning the madam presents him with a bill for $1,000.
Confused the man asks, "I don't understand, on Tuesday it was free."
"That's right," replies the madam, "but on Tuesdays we're on cable."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5142 on: Sep 23, 2019, 03:43:01 AM »


After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."
The bartender gave him the drink.

Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."

The bartender proceeds with the order.

The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."

The bartender gives him an Amstel.

Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."

The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.



All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"

He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5143 on: Sep 24, 2019, 04:05:18 AM »


Little Johnny went with his mother for the first time to deliver lunches to the elderly.
Little Johnny kept starring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
He said, very softly, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5144 on: Sep 25, 2019, 04:00:40 AM »


What do you call really big army ants? GI-ants.

 


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