Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 491249 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4695 on: Aug 17, 2018, 03:13:53 AM »


A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!""Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4696 on: Aug 17, 2018, 04:16:46 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4697 on: Aug 18, 2018, 06:21:14 AM »


Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4698 on: Aug 18, 2018, 07:17:02 AM »
 ;D


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4699 on: Aug 18, 2018, 07:32:45 AM »


                     Why are Pirates so mean ?

                 I don't know , they just  arrrrrrrrr !


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4700 on: Aug 19, 2018, 03:55:52 AM »


All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade in seven years."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4701 on: Aug 19, 2018, 07:00:53 AM »
 ;D


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4702 on: Aug 19, 2018, 07:20:36 AM »
                             A BLONDE'S BRAIN AT WORK

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey girls," says the brunette. "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
« Last Edit: Aug 19, 2018, 07:21:51 AM by Green Mountian Hunter »


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4703 on: Aug 20, 2018, 03:57:21 AM »



                 :)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4704 on: Aug 20, 2018, 03:57:52 AM »


A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4705 on: Aug 20, 2018, 05:23:17 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4706 on: Aug 21, 2018, 03:32:35 AM »


A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:” What in the world happened?”

The assistant replied: “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4707 on: Aug 22, 2018, 03:13:37 AM »


The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4708 on: Aug 22, 2018, 03:41:36 AM »
 ;D


Offline seags

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4709 on: Aug 22, 2018, 01:20:15 PM »

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:” What in the world happened?”

The assistant replied: “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”
That's a good one.

 


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