Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 309370 times)

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4200 on: Aug 29, 17, 03:29:39 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4201 on: Aug 30, 17, 04:52:35 AM »


 Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

 The first man was an Engineer,

 The second man was an Accountant,

 The third man was a Chemist, and

 The fourth man was a Government Employee.

 To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

 T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

 Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

 But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,

 "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

 Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

 Everyone agreed that was good.

 But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

 Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

 Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

 Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

 The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

 CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......

 Ate the cookies........

 Drank the milk.......

 s@*t on the paper.......

 Screwed the other three cats.......

 Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

 Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

 Put in for Workers Compensation...............and

 Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............

 AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4202 on: Aug 30, 17, 05:45:41 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4203 on: Aug 31, 17, 03:35:27 AM »



I only sending this to the Brightest of my SENIOR and (almost) senior friends



 



New Senior's Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.


 

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?


 


2) Which country makes Panama hats?


 

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?


 

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?


 


6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?


 

7) What was King George VI's first name?


 

8) What color is a purple finch?


 

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?


 

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?


 

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.


 


 

Check your answers below ....


 


 ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ


 


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?   116 years


 


2) Which country makes Panama


hats?    Ecuador


 


3) From which animal do we get cat gut?     Sheep and Horses


 


4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?November


 


5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?     Squirrel fur


 


6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs


 


7) What was King George VI's first name?    Albert


 


8 ) What color is a purple finch? Crimson


 


9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?   New Zealand


 


10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course) .


 


What do you mean, you failed?



Me, too!


 

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you is fibbin)


 


Pass this on to your brilliant
 
 

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4204 on: Sep 01, 17, 03:49:52 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4205 on: Sep 01, 17, 05:41:58 AM »


The manager of a liquor store gets a midnight phone call at home:
 - Hello!
 - At what time does the store open?
 - At ten o'clock sir.


 At two in the morning, the phone rings again:
 - HELLO!
 - Ya (burp), at what time does, euh, the store open?
 - AT TEN IN THE MORNING, sir


 Again, at four, the phone rings:
 - H!E!L!L!O!
 - Ya, euh, (burp), at ...time, euh, does the euh store open?
 - At ten in the morning sir, but I am not sure that, since you are so drunk, I will let you in.
 - I (burp) don't want, euh, to get in, euh, I want to get out!

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4206 on: Sep 01, 17, 03:37:51 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4207 on: Sep 06, 17, 04:52:20 AM »


Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. And that was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, federal police authority has grown in depth, scope, and to a large number of multi-letter agencies - CID, OSI, NIS, FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc. Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."

 Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs:

 "FATASS" - I feel safer already, don't you?

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4208 on: Sep 09, 17, 04:07:14 AM »


These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.

 Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

 They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

 The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.

 They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

 They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."

 Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

 (For 95 points): Which tire?

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4209 on: Sep 10, 17, 03:33:55 AM »


A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

 "No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature."

 The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

 The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."

 The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."

 The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

 Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

 The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

 She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

 The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4210 on: Sep 11, 17, 03:58:07 AM »
he haw


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4211 on: Sep 11, 17, 04:21:14 AM »


It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

 "Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."

 After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

 "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

 "Under the wagon."

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4212 on: Sep 16, 17, 07:58:10 AM »
nice


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4213 on: Sep 19, 17, 05:18:00 AM »


A young wanna-be stud is vactioning alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his surprise, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreling. Our friend goes back to the hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a night-club.

 So he goes to the club, and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women. He pulls the old guy aside, and asked, " man, what's your secret?" The old man replies, " I saw you on the beach today and I felt sorry for you. So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your trunks."

 The young man is thankful for the advice, and can't wait for the next day to try his luck again. So, the next morning he goes out to the beach again, with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He then sees the old man again, completely surrounded, ofcourse by beautiful women.

 That night, he finds the old man again, and asks for more help. The wise old man responds with another fine tip. " Next time son, put the socks in the FRONT! of your trunks.

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4214 on: Sep 20, 17, 05:08:15 AM »



A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station

As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right.  It's on the left.

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven.

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "You're s&#**ing me, right?  You can't even find the Post Office!