Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 467573 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5040 on: May 16, 2019, 04:41:11 AM »


A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5041 on: May 17, 2019, 04:20:02 AM »


Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex.That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5042 on: May 18, 2019, 04:04:03 AM »


A bald man had a real hang-up about his lack of hair. He had tried all types of treatment, but without success. Then one day he passed a barber’s shop with a sign in the window that read: “Bald Men. Your Problems Solved Instantly. You Too Can Have a Head of Hair Like Mine For Five Hundred Dollars.”

And beneath the sign was a photo of the barber with his flowing mane of hair. So the bald man went into the shop and asked the bartender, “Can you guarantee that for $500 my hair will instantly look like yours?”

“Certainly,” said the barber. “It will take no more than a few seconds for us to look exactly alike.”

“Okay then,” said the bald man, handing over the money. “Let’s go for it.”

The barber took the money and shaved his own hair off.

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5043 on: May 19, 2019, 04:36:52 AM »


Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.

Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"

Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"

To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"

So the second old man rushed to the store.

The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'

"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.

"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.

Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5044 on: May 19, 2019, 09:04:40 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5045 on: May 20, 2019, 05:01:21 AM »


A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5046 on: May 21, 2019, 04:49:05 AM »


It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight."
Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!"

Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance. Bubba is told that he will be given a "One Question" math test and if he passes, he can graduate.

The question is, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, "I have it! The answer is 5!"

There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, "Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more Chance!"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5047 on: May 22, 2019, 05:09:06 AM »


Little Johnny did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said, "Our cow was in heat, so I had to take her to the bull."
"Oh I see," said the teacher, "but I'm sure your father could have done that."
"No ma'am, he couldn't have," said Johnny, "it has to be the bull"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5048 on: May 23, 2019, 04:30:02 AM »


A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5049 on: May 24, 2019, 04:23:21 AM »


A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5050 on: May 25, 2019, 04:27:39 AM »


Teacher: "You are the only one in the entire class who makes so many mistakes in the homework assignment."

Student: "That is not true, I am not the only one. My parents are involved in this as well!"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5051 on: May 26, 2019, 04:54:26 AM »


Little Johnny turns up late for school one day and his teacher asks why.
Little Johnny responds, "It's snowing heavily outside, so every time I took one step forward, I slipped two steps back."
"Well, how did you make it to school then?"
Little Johnny sighs, "I got fed up, so I turned to go home."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5052 on: May 27, 2019, 05:49:23 AM »


Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park. They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile. Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby.
Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose. Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, "Whistle, to let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
To which Murphy replies, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5053 on: May 28, 2019, 04:33:34 AM »


An old codger goes to visit his doctor about painful peeing. His wife goes with him because the poor old bloke is hard of hearing.

After an examination the Doctor says to the old man, "Right, I'll need you to leave a urine, semen and feces samples for analysis."

The old man didn't quite hear the Doctor and asks his wife, "What did the Doctor say?"

The wife replies, "He wants you to leave your underpants here, dear."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5054 on: May 29, 2019, 05:12:37 AM »


An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pygmy standing beside a huge dead elephant. "Did you kill that?" he asked. The pygmy answered: "Yes". "How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?"
"I killed it with my club" replied the pygmy.
"That's amazing," said the explorer. "How big's your club?"
The pygmy replied: "There's about 150 of us"


 


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