Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 460092 times)

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5010 on: Apr 16, 2019, 04:45:55 AM »


Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5011 on: Apr 17, 2019, 04:32:42 AM »


Three blondes were having a picnic in the park. One of the took out a can of "one-calorie" diet cola and poured it equally into three cups.
She drank hers and the second one did the same but the third blonde just stared at her cup suspiciously.
"I wonder who got the calorie?" she asked.

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5012 on: Apr 18, 2019, 04:11:44 AM »


A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"

"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"

"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5013 on: Apr 19, 2019, 04:14:16 AM »


A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked."Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"



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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5014 on: Apr 20, 2019, 05:20:18 AM »


A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5015 on: Apr 21, 2019, 05:08:03 AM »


"We have two test tubes here," said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. "They contain two carefully synthesized ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genetically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while Solution B replicates the active ingredients in male spermatozoa.
If I mix them in this aseptic glass container a new human life will be conceived. Now any questions?"
"Could you possibly give us a demonstration?" asked an awed member of the audience.
"I'm sorry, not tonight," said the professor, "Solution A has a headache."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5016 on: Apr 22, 2019, 04:12:37 AM »


An old doctor went way out to the boon-docks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said.
"He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!!"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5017 on: Apr 24, 2019, 04:39:22 AM »


This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.."
The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5018 on: Apr 25, 2019, 04:11:06 AM »


It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it."
He said, "Then why don't you drive it away".
Each of the women said "We can't drive".
The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?"
They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5019 on: Apr 26, 2019, 03:50:12 AM »


An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing. Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, she goes back to her book.

Her husband, puzzled, asks, "What was that for?"

She replied, "That was for 50 years of bad sex."

They both go back to their books, and a few minutes later, the husband looks at his wife and whacks her across the head, he goes back to reading his book.

The wife, also puzzled asks him, "What was that for?"

Not looking up from his book the husband answers, "That is for knowing the difference.


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5020 on: Apr 27, 2019, 04:34:11 AM »


A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?"
Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk."
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"
Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."
Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5021 on: Apr 28, 2019, 05:05:38 AM »


There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.
All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5022 on: Apr 30, 2019, 04:51:33 AM »


Years ago someone in California hollered “Gold,” and people drove from all directions. That’s the way they still drive in California.

 IW

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5023 on: May 01, 2019, 05:22:18 AM »


Kyle and Justin were about to eat with their babysitter when 6-year-old Kyle said, "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!"
"Daddy's not home," the babysitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today, I'm the boss."
Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you sit over there in Mommy's chai


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5024 on: May 02, 2019, 04:15:28 AM »


A frustrated father told his work colleague: "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room he has a color TV, computer, game console, cell phone, iPad and DVD player."
"So what do you do?"
The father replied: "I send him to my room!"


 


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