Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 455764 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4980 on: Mar 21, 2019, 04:00:29 AM »


A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautif ul view of the ocean.



10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4981 on: Mar 22, 2019, 04:41:08 AM »


A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4982 on: Mar 22, 2019, 12:02:43 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4983 on: Mar 26, 2019, 05:13:51 AM »


A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4984 on: Mar 29, 2019, 04:00:48 AM »


A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir,I don't wish to intrude on your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself,then replied, "My wife's first husband."



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4985 on: Mar 30, 2019, 03:19:47 AM »


A women is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.
"This is the middle school calling about your son Johnny. He's been caught telling unbelievable lies."
"I'll say he has," the woman replies, "I don't have a son."




Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4986 on: Mar 30, 2019, 09:13:45 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4987 on: Mar 31, 2019, 03:33:33 AM »


An old Italian Mafia 'Don' is dying and he calls his grandson into his bedroom.
'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.'
'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?'
'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple a bambinos.'
'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then ....... pointa to your watch and say 'Times up?'

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4988 on: Apr 01, 2019, 03:46:13 AM »


The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes", replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4989 on: Apr 02, 2019, 03:31:56 AM »


A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4990 on: Apr 04, 2019, 03:39:56 AM »


Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said; "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said; "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said; "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4991 on: Apr 05, 2019, 03:23:36 AM »


A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn all over his body.

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns on his legs.

He was starting to blister and in pain by the time the doctor arrived. To help, the doctor prescribed an IV with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The attending nurse was rather surprised by the prescription and asked, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4992 on: Apr 06, 2019, 03:40:51 AM »


A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married.
Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl once. I guess she was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.
"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4993 on: Apr 06, 2019, 08:12:08 AM »
 ;D


Offline Raquettedacker

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4994 on: Apr 06, 2019, 12:17:09 PM »

An old Italian Mafia 'Don' is dying and he calls his grandson into his bedroom.
'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.'
'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?'
'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple a bambinos.'
'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then ....... pointa to your watch and say 'Times up?'

  This is pretty offensive ...   I grew up Italian and no one of my of my family ever talked like this...........
« Last Edit: Apr 06, 2019, 08:01:19 PM by Raquettedacker »
"Dying is the easy part. Learning how to live is the hard part..."

 


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