Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 474316 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4875 on: Dec 18, 2018, 04:42:17 AM »


A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and says, "Welcome. Come walk with me and I'll show you where you'll be staying."As they're walking along the path he notices clocks on the Golden Fence of Heaven. He asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks for?"St. Peter replies, "They’re clocks for every person in the world. They click once for each time you lie."By the time they reach where the man is staying, he asks out of curiosity, "I didn't see any politicians’ clocks. Where are they kept?"St. Peter calmly replies, "People here use them as fans."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4876 on: Dec 19, 2018, 04:03:49 AM »


The 60th High School Reunion
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past, without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table . . . and the widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me? After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, 'Yes.... yes I will!'
Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes or did she say No? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?
'Why you silly man, she replied, I said Yes. Yes, I will! And I meant it with all my heart!' The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued. 'And I'm so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who asked me”.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4877 on: Dec 21, 2018, 03:39:16 AM »


A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."



Offline seags

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4878 on: Dec 21, 2018, 07:48:35 AM »

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

I kindof did smile on that one; whiskey was “cool” for me but it was very bad for me.
 I have been alcohol free since May 22 2017, that morning I blew a 2.7 (that is correct, you read that right)
 I did not get a DUI, just a very kind officer gave me a few options, go to county and be processed or call for a ride and get my ass home. I just checked, I am on day 578.  I feel 100% better.
 With the help from my parents and myself, “I did this on my own”
 And I did not get any worms.

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4879 on: Dec 22, 2018, 03:55:38 AM »
I kindof did smile on that one; whiskey was “cool” for me but it was very bad for me.
 I have been alcohol free since May 22 2017, that morning I blew a 2.7 (that is correct, you read that right)
 I did not get a DUI, just a very kind officer gave me a few options, go to county and be processed or call for a ride and get my ass home. I just checked, I am on day 578.  I feel 100% better.
 With the help from my parents and myself, “I did this on my own”
 And I did not get any worms.

              Good for you, sometimes it takes a scare like that to see the ways!

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4880 on: Dec 22, 2018, 03:59:36 AM »


A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4881 on: Dec 23, 2018, 04:03:38 AM »


In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex."
The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?"
Johnny says, "Seventy three."

The teacher says, "Uh...very good, John, very good..."
She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about you?"

Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just lays on top of the girl."
Johnny yells, "Seventy four!"



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4882 on: Dec 23, 2018, 07:03:46 AM »
  :D
« Last Edit: Dec 23, 2018, 07:11:48 AM by Green Mountian Hunter »


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4883 on: Dec 24, 2018, 03:13:36 AM »

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factually...
'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.

« Last Edit: Dec 24, 2018, 03:15:04 AM by 30-30 »

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4884 on: Dec 24, 2018, 06:38:53 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4885 on: Dec 26, 2018, 03:16:38 AM »

A small boy came running out of the bathroom in tears.
"What's the matter?" asked his father.
"I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet."
"Okay, don't worry, but we'd better throw it out."
So the father fished the toothbrush out of the toilet and put it in the garbage. When he returned, the boy was holding another toothbrush.
"Isn't that my toothbrush?" the father said.
"Yes," said the boy, "and we'd better throw this one out too, because it fell in the toilet four days ago."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4886 on: Dec 26, 2018, 06:36:16 AM »
  :D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4887 on: Dec 29, 2018, 03:29:14 AM »


Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes,no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.' Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4888 on: Dec 29, 2018, 03:33:39 AM »


The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice. "The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and go to the house," said the doctor.
"I tried that," said the farmer, "But by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use."
The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your shotgun with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun and she will come down there where you are."
A few weeks later the two men met on the street.
"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.
"Fine, the first three days," said the farmer, "But then hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since."



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4889 on: Dec 30, 2018, 03:07:10 AM »


A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."


 


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