Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 486191 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4605 on: Jul 05, 2018, 03:24:10 AM »


Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, 'Jack, I've got trouble down here!'
'What's the matter?' Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
'Bring me my wedge,' Joe shouted. 'You can't get out of here with an eight iron!'


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4606 on: Jul 05, 2018, 03:27:50 AM »


In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.
Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4607 on: Jul 05, 2018, 03:30:44 AM »


A guy had just returned from two weeks of vacation. He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.
"What?" shouted the boss, "I can't give you more time now. Why didn't you get married while you were off?"
"Are you nuts?" he replied. "That would have ruined my whole vacation."

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4608 on: Jul 05, 2018, 03:37:34 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4609 on: Jul 06, 2018, 03:36:02 AM »


A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment: put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?



Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4610 on: Jul 06, 2018, 03:42:00 AM »


When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one
of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when

the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the

store to hear, "Price check on Tampax, supersize please."

As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the

store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the

intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb

or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4611 on: Jul 06, 2018, 03:43:26 AM »
 ;D ;D


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4612 on: Jul 06, 2018, 03:43:57 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4613 on: Jul 07, 2018, 06:20:39 AM »


A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and to send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied: "Yes. 'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman or Govenor."

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4614 on: Jul 07, 2018, 06:31:21 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4615 on: Jul 08, 2018, 04:49:03 AM »


An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest. "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm! The front of the church always fills first now."As the young priest nodded, the old priest continued, “You also told me to assign a little more beat to the music because it would bring young people back to church. So, I supported you when you bought in that rock ‘n’ roll Gospel choir. Now, our services are consistently packed.“"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.""All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But, I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!""Yes," replied, the elderly priest. "I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n’ Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!"

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4616 on: Jul 08, 2018, 08:00:01 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4617 on: Jul 09, 2018, 04:42:50 AM »


An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."



The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."

"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4618 on: Jul 09, 2018, 05:14:02 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4619 on: Jul 10, 2018, 08:06:55 AM »


You might be a redneck if...
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.


 


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