Comic Relief!!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                 A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
                The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
                In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
                After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
                This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
                The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
                In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
                “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

[30-30]

                     

[30-30]

 A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, “There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it’s not going to be legal.”

“That doesn’t matter at all,” replied the blonde. “All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.”

“Alright,” replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell your car.”

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette’s advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, “Did you sell your car?”

“No!” replied the blonde. “Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it.”

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

          Archery Contest
       
        Once upon a time there was an archery contest. The first archer, wearing a long cape covering his face, lines up in position...
        He takes a deep breath and fires an arrow which finds the center of the target.
        Then he takes of his cape and screams: I AM...... ROBIN HOOD!!! The crowd cheers!
        The second archer with a cape lines up in position. He fires his arrow which hits the center and cuts robin hood's arrow into two!!!
        He takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... WILLIAM TELL!!!!!! The crowd cheers!! finally, a third man in cape lines up in position...
        He fires his arrow but it goes all wrong!!! It flies past the crowd and kills the king!!!
        Then the man takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... SORRY!!!

[30-30]

                 I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice-cubes got stuck up my nose.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

Nice

[30-30]

    Why are women like snow flakes?

They are all beautiful. They are all different. They can all be cold as ice. But they'll all melt when you hold them gently.

Why is a man like a snow fall?

You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[hunts2long]

I do know that we have gotten about 6 inches so far and I am sure it is going to last all winter...h2l

[30-30]

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow.  The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.  He calls to the rabbit to go and get the Farmer to help pull him to safety.  The rabbit runs to the farm but the Farmer is  nowhere to be found.  The rabbit then drives the Farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper and then throws the other end to the horse, and saves him from sinking.

 

A few days later, the rabbit and the horse are playing in the meadow again, and the rabbit falls into the mud hole.  The rabbit yelled to the horse to get some help from the farmer.   The horse said "I think I can stand   over the hole."  So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up" and the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.

 

 The moral of the story:  If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes. 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

 A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1997 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".

The dude replies "A 1997 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe 3 times as fast!

The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out, and jeezus to betsy, it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"

[chuckrudy]

nice one

[30-30]

A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be?  You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

The widow says, "Three carats."