Comic Relief!!

[30-30]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do," says the devil.

"You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves ."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing he hammer, time after
time. "No!" I've got this problem with my shoul der. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his
 company.Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the
seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the
 Goodyear Blimp than the field.
 
 About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10
 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance
 and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to
 the empty seat.
 
 As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me,
 is anyone sitting here?"
 
 The man says no.
 
 Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again
 inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right
 mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?"
 
 The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
 supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
 Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
 
 "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find
 someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
 
 "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

[chuckrudy]

good one.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                      Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give him a fishing rod & he will throw it away and wait for Lenny Henry to turn up &
                       make a TV show about how hungry he is.

[30-30]

Is It Better to be Single or Married?
 

The Great Debate: Is It Better To Be Single or Married?
 Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children
 (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute and very enlightening,
 thus proving that all we need to know, we probably learned in kindergarten.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
 "Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you
 can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy,
 *
 "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."
 (Tommy, 5)
 
 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
 "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
 gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike,10)
 
 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
 "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big
 ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the
 wedding."(Jim, 10)
 *
 "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if
 anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it
 with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)
 
 THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
 "It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need
 somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)
 *
 "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I
 don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
 
 CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:
 "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with
 how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
 *
 "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but
 the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen,
 
 ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
 "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
 *
 "If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want
 to do it. It takes to long to learn." (Leo, 7)
 
 ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE:
 "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family,
 it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne,
 *
 "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
 anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
 *
 "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a longtime."
 (Christine,9)
 
 CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid
good money for them." (David,
 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

    Two Men Hunting Two men went hunting. One had been an avid hunter; hunting all his life, the other man was a city boy; hunting for the first time. The avid hunter told city boy to sit down and not make a sound. So he did. But when the first man got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said. "I was when the snake bit me," the man said. "And I was when the bear attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat or take them with us,' I screamed."

[30-30]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.  It was a fine spring day in his new Washington D.C. parish.  He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

 He promptly called the White House .

 The conversation went like this:
 "Good morning. This is Barack Obama . How might I help you?"

 

"And the best of the day te yerself.     This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?" 


 Barack, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

 There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . . Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call." 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of
the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages.
What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to
be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them
back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free
box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster
purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a
cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the
inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We
save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then
they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is
save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about once
a year they send us a complete prick!"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

              One Testicle 

    There once was an Indian who had only one testicle 

    And whose given name was 'Onestone'. 

    He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. 

  After years and years of torment, 

 Onestone finally cracked and said, '   If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' 

    The word got around and nobody called him that any more. 

    Then one day a young woman named  Blue Bird  forgot and said,   'Good morning, Onestone.'

     He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. 

    He made love to her all the next day,   until  Blue Bird  died from exhaustion.

    The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. 

    Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until 

    A woman named  Yellow Bird     returned to the village after being away. 
    Yellow Bird  , who was  Blue Bird's  cousin,   was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. 

    She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' 

    Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,    then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, m ade love to her all the next night, but  Yellow Bird wouldn't  die! 


Why  



OH, come on... Take a guess !!! 



 

Think about it !!! 
     

You're going to love this !!! 






Everyone knows.. 



 


You can't kill Two  Birds 

With   

 OneStone  !!! 
 




 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing
pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the
 sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun
 and the prospect of catching a fish.
 
 About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach,
trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the
 fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this
 fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for
 himself and his family. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way,"
 said the businessman to the fisherman. "You should be working rather
 than lying on the beach!"
 
 The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied,
"And what will my reward be?" "Well, you can get bigger nets and
 catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer. "And then what
 will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. The
 businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to
buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And
 then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. The
 businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's
 questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to
 work for you!" he said.
 
 "And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. The
businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can
build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all
 your employees catch fish for you!" Once again the fisherman asked,
 "And then what will my reward be?" The businessman was red with
 rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you
 can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living
 again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach,
 looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
 
 The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you
 think I'm doing right now?"