Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 912415 times)

Offline Thomas26

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5055 on: May 29, 2019, 08:32:39 AM »
An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First, the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them, he asked:
"Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".

The granny answers:
"You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5056 on: May 30, 2019, 04:30:53 AM »


Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were little?"
Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."

Son: "I thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either."

Offline miriamguimel

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5057 on: May 31, 2019, 03:06:36 AM »
Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Wooden shoe.
A: Wooden shoe, who?
Q: Wooden shoe like to know!
Isoflat provides curated and hand picked content of high quality, flat and isometric graphic resources and free vectors!
https://isoflat.com/

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5058 on: May 31, 2019, 04:17:26 AM »


A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200.

At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by.

The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass.

After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt, and completed it, thus winning the game and the money.

Afterwards, one of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen.

I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects."

"Well," said the golfer, "we were married for 25 years."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5059 on: Jun 01, 2019, 04:23:49 AM »


There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married.
A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5060 on: Jun 02, 2019, 05:04:37 AM »


When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher.
The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5061 on: Jun 02, 2019, 06:44:33 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5062 on: Jun 03, 2019, 04:18:26 AM »


A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he shrieked.

"You lawyers are so materialistic it's amazing!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh no...." replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been.

"Where's my Rolex???"

 

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5063 on: Jun 04, 2019, 04:05:29 AM »


I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:

"Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.

His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"




Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5064 on: Jun 05, 2019, 04:56:27 AM »


Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.

The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."

The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"

The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."

Hearing this, the second one started crying.

The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"

Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5065 on: Jun 07, 2019, 03:57:04 AM »


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5066 on: Jun 08, 2019, 03:52:45 AM »


A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Yes, I am."
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him to come closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying, "I want you to know that that hurts!"


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5067 on: Jun 08, 2019, 06:52:43 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5068 on: Jun 09, 2019, 04:26:43 AM »


There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.
When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass those f**king potatoes!"

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5069 on: Jun 10, 2019, 04:08:50 AM »


An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered" Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said "That wont do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

 


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