Comic Relief!!

[30-30]

An drunk Irishman was sitting at a bar when suddenly at the other end of the bar appeared a leprechaun. The Irishman caught the leprechaun’s eye and the leprechaun came to sit beside him.

“Sure enough, as you have caught my eye,” said the leprechaun, “you can have two wishes.”

“First of all,” says the Irishman, “I’d be having a bottle of Guinness that is never empty.”

The barman comes over and gives the Irishman a bottle of Guinness. He drinks from it, and when he puts it down it fills up again. So he drinks the lot in one, and again it fills up.

“And for your second wish?” enquires the Leprechaun.

“That’s brilliant!” retorts the Irishman, “I’d like another one.”

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He’d rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

The man said, “Sure. I’ve come to install the phone”

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[chuckrudy]

good one.

[30-30]

Things Women Don't Know
 

 Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses
 are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits


 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits


 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The
Game


 5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too


 6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His


 7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First


 8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking


 9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging


 10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire


 11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up


 12. Introduction to Parking


 13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space


 14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat


 15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter


 16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption


 17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People


 18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully


 19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His


 20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To


 21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have


 22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice


 23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together


 24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both


 25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation.  They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.

   

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.  True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

 

At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha.  Do you hear me?"  A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John.  I can hear you."

 

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"   

"It's beautiful.  There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." 

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha. 

 

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon.   After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five.  After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."       

Martha was somewhat taken aback. 

"Is that what heaven really is like?"     

"Heaven?  Oh, I'm not in Heaven, Martha."   

"Well, then, where are you, then?" 

"I'm a bunny rabbit in Arizona, Martha."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                  Q: How did boobs got their name?

                  A: From the top view it looks like a B, the front view looks like oo, and the side view looks like a b.

[peddler]

Martini's

Are like women's breasts




One is not enough and


Three is to many.

[Hollywood]

Martini's

Are like women's breasts




One is not enough and


Three is to many.

Not true. Knew a gal with three once. Had a huge extra one smack dab in the middle of her back. Strange looking girl. But... Great to slow dance with!   

[peddler]

 

[30-30]

               Why....?
 

 Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
 *
 **If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting
 in one take so long?
 *
 **How does skating on thin ice get you into hot water?
 *
 **When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your
 two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
 *
 **If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
 electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
 models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
 *
 **Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
 *
 **If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide and seek, does he
 automatically lose because he can't find himself?
 *
 **Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery
 is dead?
 *
 **Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
 *
 **Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell
 him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
 *
 **If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?

[Green Mountian Hunter]