Comic Relief!!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                A duck walks into a bar. The duck asks, "Got any grapes?" Then the bartender says "Sorry. I cannot help you with that." Then the duck leaves.
                Then the next day the duck comes back. "Got any grapes?" "No, and if you ask that again, ill nail your feet to the floor!"
                The duck comes back again. "Got any nails?" "No." "Got any grapes?"

[chuckrudy]

nice

[30-30]

Here are some Oxymoron's you guys might like

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22.Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas oxymoron: What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                A man has his car full of penguins. He drives past a policeman, but the policeman stops him. He says. "Hey, you! Yeah, you!
                You should take those penguins to the zoo!"
                The man does that.
                The next day in the same spot, the man still has the penguins. Once again he drives past the policeman. "Hey,
                I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
                "I did," replies the man. "We had so much fun that were going to the beach today!"

[chuckrudy]

good one

[30-30]

A dog, a cat and a penis are sitting by a camp fire one night. The dog say "My life sucks, my master makes me
do my business on a fire hydrant". The cat says " I don't think so my master makes me go in a litter box". The penis outraged says "At least your master doesnt' put a bag over your head and make you do push ups untillyou throw up".

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

A Marine in Rio walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.



.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.     


The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"   
.
           http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OZ7KwrjEeNI/VBNwcRlBhFI/AAAAAAAARAY/HfGHidd5qGg/s1600/Girl-in-Bar1.jpg 


No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it."     


The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"     


He says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."   


The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"   


"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."   


The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"   


The Marine smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."   


And that, my friends.......is    Confidence!

 

 



 

[fishnmachine]

Smoooooth...   

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                                                Living with the Wolf Man

                 
      The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

      "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

      "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

      "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you?
       Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

       At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

       Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

[30-30]

           

[30-30]

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole  when a
 second golfer approached and asked if he could join  him.

 The first said that he usually played alone, but  agreed to the twosome.

 They were even after the first few  holes. The second guy said,
 "We're about evenly matched, how  about playing for five bucks a hole?"

 The first guy said  that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to
 the terms. 

 The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with  ease.As they
 were walking off number eighteen, the second guy  was busy counting his
 $80.00.

 He confessed that  he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked
 to pick on  suckers.

 The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish  Priest.

 The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to  return the money.

 The Priest said, "You won fair and  square and I was foolish to bet
 with you. You keep your  winnings."

 The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to  make it up to you?"

 The Priest said, "Well, you could come  to Mass on Sunday and make
 a donation.

 And, if  you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.