Comic Relief!!

[30-30]

The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now
 on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of
 the team rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football
 League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules.
 
      The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall
People on opening day.
 
 Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting
 the Arizona Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering
 Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
 
 In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the
 showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and
 the New Orleans Pretty Good People.
 
 The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds
 of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the St. Louis Male Sheep.
 
 The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes
 against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.
 
 The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to
 Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in
 Week 9.
 
 And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large
 Mountain Mammals.
 
 Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New
 England Zealous Lovers of Country.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

                A little weather humor for those of you who are experiencing a taste
                      what mother nature can do right about now...

60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on.
 50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.
 45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
40 degrees - You can see your breath.
 Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesotans go swimming.
 35 degrees - Italian cars don't start.
32 degrees - Water freezes.
 30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia.
 25 degrees - Ohio water freezes.
Californians weep pitiably.
 Minnesotans eat ice cream.
 Canadians go swimming.
20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.
 New York City water freezes.
Miami residents plan vacation farther south.
 15 degrees - French cars don't start.
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
 10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
 5 degrees - American cars don't start.
0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
 -10 degrees - German cars don't start.
Eyes freeze shut when you step outside.
 -15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects.
 Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you.
 politicians actually do something about the homeless.
 Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
Japanese cars don't start.
 -25 degrees - Too cold to think.
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
 -30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath.
Swedish cars don't start.
 -40 degrees - Californians disappear.
 Minnesotans button top button.
 Canadians put on sweater.
Your car helps you plan your trip South.
 -50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes.
Alaskans close the bathroom window.
 -80 degrees - Polar bears move South.
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
 -90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
-100  - degrees - Hell freezes over.
 Clinton finally tells all.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[hunts2long]

You forgot one. At -25 the beam of your flashlight freezes to the ground...h2l

[30-30]

                 Think about this:

 a. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
 b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
 c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health
Human Services)

 Then think about this:

 a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
 b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
 c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.

 Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than
gun owners.
 FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT
 LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

 Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before
 this gets out of hand.

 As a public health measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear
 that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[joe snag]

I knew a kid once that choked todeath eating Pizza---no more pizza ----

[30-30]

If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer
 

If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and
start all over!
 *
 To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
 *
 If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.
 *
 Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
 *
 To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
 *
 To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
 *
 To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
 *
 If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
 *
 When you loose your car keys, click on find.
 *
 "Help" with the chores is just a click away.
 *
 Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary.
 You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
 
 And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on
it's way to YOU.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

  Three men, a Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic and a White Trash Biker  are
all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of
you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
land to be forever fertile in Canada.'

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
fertile for farming.

The Muslim was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan,
Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come
into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and
completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out...it's
virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles
and says...


'Fill it with water!'

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
 Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
 She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
 The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
 The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
 The husband thought for a moment:
 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm  sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30
years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,  but a wish is a wish.!
 So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...
 The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
 Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

[Green Mountian Hunter]

            nice

[chuckrudy]

Good one.