Comic Relief!!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

   

[30-30]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get bet
 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

hehehe   

[30-30]

Bob asks his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She answers..... "I'd love to be ten again."

So on the morning of her birthday, he gets her up bright and
 early and off they go to the local Theme Park.

What a day! He puts her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide,
 The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear...everything there is!

Wow! She staggers out of the Theme Park five hours later, her head
 reeling and her stomach upside down. Right Into McDonald's they
 go, and her husband orders a Double Big Mac for her along with extra
 fries and a refreshing strawberry shake. Then off to a movie...it's the
 latest 'Star Wars' epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Cola, and M & M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbles home with her
 husband and collapses into bed. He leans over lovingly and asks,
 "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

She opens one eye and she groans, . . .

"Idiot, I meant dress size."

[chuckrudy]

nice

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city
 because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with
 a meter.
So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have
 circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my
 appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along
 with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give
 you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

[chuckrudy]

Like it.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

     Nice

[30-30]

                            Gender Identity
 

If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert
 to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have
 a gender. For example...

Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you
 can see right through them.

Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
 warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
 buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
 are pushed.

Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.

Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you
 have to light a fire under it. . . and, of course, there's the
 hot air part.

Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain
 water.

Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people
 up.

Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
 bottom.

Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Control -- Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male. But
 consider -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
 while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps
 trying.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter
 what the lesson was about.
Her daughter answered "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts."

Needless to say, mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the
 Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's
 Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[adkRoy]

Ever notice everything you sit on feels like underwear? 

[Raquettedacker]

Ever notice everything you sit on feels like underwear? 

   Not if you go commando....