Comic Relief!!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.
"But-where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath?"
"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food you still eat?"
"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me-you're still circumcised?"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant.
 "Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?"
 demands the gangster.

 The accountant is silent.

 "Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts.

 The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate."
 So using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant
 about the money, and the message is relayed back
 that the accountant knows nothing about it.

 Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to
 the deaf accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer,
 "Ask him again where my money is!"

 "Okay! Okay!" the deaf accountant signs back.
 "The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my back yard."

 "What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss.

 The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to
 pull the trigger."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the
 attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said,
 "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."
 "Why is that," the host asked?
 Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks
 ...anyone can!"

[chuckrudy]

nice

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving
 violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
 
 "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
 
 "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop,
 "it looks like you've had quite a few.
 
 "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
 
 "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding
 his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your
 car?"
 
 "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I
 thought I'd gone deaf."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

I was ice-skating today just minding my own business when I noticed some big fat girl kept giving me the eye.
Eventually she came over. "Hi there, I'm a bit shy I'm not very good at breaking the ice," she laughed.
"Have you tried jumping?" I asked.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

A Tough Place to Work
 

 Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has
 a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*
 7 have been arrested for fraud
*
 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*
 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*
 3 have been arrested for assault
*
 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*
 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*
 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*
 21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*
 In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
*
 Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?
Scroll Down. 

 :

 :

 :
It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The
 same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon
 hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
 
 




 
 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Raquettedacker]