Comic Relief!!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed
 Your Rich As Hell and Free Ex-husband!!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[chuckrudy]

good one

[30-30]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!" she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

"Feels great" he replied, "but I still think my thumb's broken."

[loonyone]

lol....lol

[Green Mountian Hunter]

Nicee hehehe   

[30-30]

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time ..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young family moved into a house. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the vacant lot next door. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those a--holes at Home Depot ever deliver the freak;n sheet rock."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with
 grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

**Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will
 roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

 **Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly
 proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 **Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get
 a busy signal; someone always answers.

 **Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
 you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

 **Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the
 telephone will ring.

 **Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you
 know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want
 to be seen with.

 **Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a
 machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

 **Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely
> > > proportional to the reach.
 ***Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people
 whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They
 are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for
 food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the
 performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come
 early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and
 stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 ***The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
 your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 ***Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker
 room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 ***Law of Physical Surfaces -

 The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a
 floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
 ***Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know
 what you are talking about.

 *** Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 ***Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

 ***Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a
 product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
 ***Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go
 to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But
 don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick!
 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

A guy goes to the U.S. post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward Employment." and then asks, "are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "yes 100%........a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "Okay. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00am."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls.........no point in you coming in for that!
 
   

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

THINGS TO PONDER


When I die, I want to go like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, "I think this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 30,000 to a man's 15,000 words. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice." The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain it to you. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

[Green Mountian Hunter]