Comic Relief!!

[CAPTJJ]

[stka]

 

[30-30]

REDNECK ETIQUETTE

LIFE SKILLS
1.Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3.It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4.If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1.If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2.Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2.Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1.Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." (Always a good opener)
3.Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4.Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as,"ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

WEDDINGS
1.Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4.Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5.It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3.Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.When sending your friend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
 
   

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span". Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Life has now been explained.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce.. The long walks we used to take. The long drives, the special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was only 12 .

We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. "And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands.."

"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[chuckrudy]

good one

[Green Mountian Hunter]

   

[30-30]

                                                       THE TRAIN


A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now cause this is the last stop!! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We dont sue that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue: "For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
 
   

[chuckrudy]

love it.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

Good one

[30-30]

                                                                           Gotta Love Senior Citizens

A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear.

"Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh.."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What the hell are you doing for the next generation??"

I Love Senior Citizens!!!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

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Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.


And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."


And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.


After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.


And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.


And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.


And Cat didn't give a crap one way or the other.