Comic Relief!!

[30-30]

[Green Mountian Hunter]

     Nice ...

[30-30]

I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you".
She asked me, "Is that you or the beer talking"
I said, "It's me........I'm talking to the beer"!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Stupid Laws in the United States
 

 Alabama
 It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

California
 Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to
 try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

Connecticut
 You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.

 You are not allowed to cross the street on your hands.

Florida
 Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon
 owner.

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or
 she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

 If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be
 paid just as it would for a vehicle.

In Sarasota, it is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a
 swim suit.

 Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of a strapless gown.

 Illinois
 It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other
 domesticated animals kept as pets.

Indiana
 Bathing is prohibited during the winter.

 Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a
 public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.

Iowa
 Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

 Kentucky
 By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot
 hold onto the ground."

 It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

 Louisiana
 It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water
 pistol.

 Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault", while biting
 someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

 Massachusetts
 Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.

 Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely
 locked.

 An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special
 license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
 
In Boston
It's against the law to slurp your soup in a restaurant on a Sunday.

Texas
You could be arrested for cattle rustling, if you get caught walking down the street with wire cutter in your back pocket.

Nebraska
It is against the law to bring a whale in the state on a flat car.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

You Know Your Not A kid Any More When...

 

 You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
 
 You can live without sex but not without glasses.
 
 Your back goes out more than you do.
 
 You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
 
 You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
 
 You are proud of your lawnmower.
 
 Your best friend is dating someone half his age...and isn't breaking any laws.
 
 You call Olan Mills before they call you.
 
 Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
 
 You sing along with the elevator music.
 
 You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
 
 You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
 
 You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
 
 You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
 
 People call at 9:00 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
 
 You have a dream about prunes.
 
 You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"
 
 You send money to PBS.
 
 You still buy records, and you think a CD is a certificate of deposit.
 
 The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of you pants.
 
 You take a metal detector to the beach.
 
 You wear black socks with sandals.
 
 You know what the word "equity" means.
 
 You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
 
 Your ears are hairer than your head.
 
 You talk about "good grass", and you're referring to someone's lawn.
 
 You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
 
 You got cable for the weather channel.
 
 You can go bowling without drinking.
 
 You have a party, and the neighbors don't even realize it.
 
 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Man VS. Woman
 

 Success:
 A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
 A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
The Morning:
 Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
 Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
Money Management:
 A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
 A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't.
 
Happiness:
 To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
 To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand
 her at all.
 
Marriage Expectations:
 A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
 A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
 
Marriage Decisions:
 Men marry because they are tired.
 Women marry because they are curious.
 Both are disappointed.
 
Marriage and the Future:
 A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
 A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
Memories:
 A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry
 her. A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.
 
Understanding Women:
 There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before
 marriage and after marriage.
 
What a Woman Wants:
 Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy:
 One is to let her think she is having her own way.
 The other is to let her have it.
 
Longevity:
 Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
 willing to die.
 
Mistakes:
 Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people
 remembering the same thing.
 
The Battle:
 A woman always has the last word in any argument.
 Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                 

   



                                              I think that I'm a chicken

                                   Panda Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

                                         Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

                                 Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

                                         Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

[30-30]

Sad, But As I Get Older, I Think Differently


After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have some hot Wings and ice tea.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators".
I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot.



 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

    Nice but the window needs cleaning ...

[30-30]

   Nice but the window needs cleaning ...

             You must be OLD if you saw the windows! LOL

[hunts2long]

I think he means the window on his computer, from him pressing his face up to it...h2l