Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 348030 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4365 on: Feb 05, 18, 03:08:15 AM »


The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4366 on: Feb 06, 18, 03:18:18 AM »


There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. "No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!" The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper.

This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4367 on: Feb 07, 18, 03:40:04 AM »


A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a beautiful lamp lying in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a genie popped out of the lamp! The genie said that it would grant her 3 wishes & that with every wish her husband it get the same thing only double!

So, the woman thinks of a first wish...

"I want to be rich!!!"
So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!
So, the woman thinks of a second wish...


"I want to be beautiful!!"
So, the woman became beautiful, and the husband became twice as beautiful.

"Okay", the genie says. "This is your last wish so be careful what you wish for!"
The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a decision.

"I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!"

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4368 on: Feb 08, 18, 04:18:04 AM »


An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded that it was so. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4369 on: Feb 09, 18, 03:47:55 AM »


A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.

Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?

"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious"

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4370 on: Feb 10, 18, 04:13:17 AM »


A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," she said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice.

He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4371 on: Feb 10, 18, 04:37:42 AM »


The best Fable of the Porcupine
 
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.
 
The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.
 
After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.
 
Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.
 
 
The moral of the story is:
 
 

 
Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4372 on: Feb 12, 18, 03:46:50 AM »



WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12

 



A man walks into a drug store with his 10 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, dad?'

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.'

'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school. He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'

The dad replies, 'Those are for the high school boys, ONE for Friday ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday

'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'

'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy. 'Then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men.
ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March...............'

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4373 on: Feb 13, 18, 03:50:51 AM »


A little boy was attending his first wedding.


After the service, his cousin asked him,


"How many women can a man marry?"


"Sixteen," the boy responded.


His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.


"How do you know that?"


"Easy," the little boy said.


"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,


4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4374 on: Feb 14, 18, 03:25:52 AM »

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to


his mother, "Mom, I've decided to  become a minister when I grow up."


"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"


"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I


figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4375 on: Feb 15, 18, 04:09:12 AM »


Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.



 As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other,

"I'll bet that any minute now some old senior Is going  to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and

 rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically,

 "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,

 "You must be doing well… Only two left."

Seniors   -- don't mess with them. They didn’t get old by being stupid!


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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4376 on: Feb 16, 18, 05:02:06 AM »


A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4377 on: Feb 16, 18, 02:38:52 PM »
 ;D ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4378 on: Feb 17, 18, 03:32:56 AM »


A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon  dragged on and on.


Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him


the money now, will he let us go?"

 


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