Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 913513 times)

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5490 on: Jan 29, 2021, 08:33:31 AM »
 ;D  ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5491 on: Jan 30, 2021, 03:54:05 AM »


Quick clean jokes...
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.
Q: What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
A: They're hiring.

Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A: 'Dam.'

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

Q: What's a cat's favorite breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.

Q: How does a lion like his steak?
A: Medium roar.

Q: What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
A: French flies.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q: How do you get a Kleenex to dance?
A: Put a boogie in it!

Q: Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?
A: He's all-right now!


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5492 on: Jan 30, 2021, 07:47:03 AM »
  :)


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5493 on: Jan 31, 2021, 03:53:04 AM »


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5494 on: Jan 31, 2021, 05:55:59 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5495 on: Feb 02, 2021, 03:40:41 AM »



The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board?!"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5496 on: Feb 03, 2021, 03:05:27 AM »


In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5497 on: Feb 03, 2021, 06:41:41 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5498 on: Feb 05, 2021, 04:15:03 AM »

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5499 on: Feb 05, 2021, 05:40:37 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5500 on: Feb 06, 2021, 05:14:36 AM »


There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5501 on: Feb 06, 2021, 06:26:17 AM »
 :D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5502 on: Feb 07, 2021, 04:16:28 AM »


A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5503 on: Feb 07, 2021, 06:05:20 AM »
 :D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #5504 on: Feb 09, 2021, 03:38:35 AM »


A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss" noise. but every so often there is a "Pop!" noise.
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every tenth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"



 


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