Comic Relief!!

[30-30]

What does a smart blonde and UFO's have in common?
 You always hear about them but never see them.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who
 immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they
 were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly
 reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her
 instantly.
 
 At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near
 the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor
 noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to
 the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
 Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he
 would shake his head no and mumble a reply.
 
 Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all
 about.
 
 The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible
 tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The
 men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake
 my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

The blonde was going to a soda machine and she
 arrived there just before a businessman coming to quench his thirst.
 
 She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little and
 pushed a Diet Coke selection. Out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a
 counter by the machine.
 
 Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted
 it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button
 for Coke Classic. Out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She
 immediately took the 50 cents and put in in the machine, studied it for a
 moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.
 
 As she was reaching into her purse again, the businessman who had been
 waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but
 are you done yet?"
 
 The blonde looked at him and indignantly replied, "Well, duhhhh! I'm still
 winning!"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
 could see her license.
 
 She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
 Just yesterday you take away my license, and then today you expect
 me to show it to you!"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[chuckrudy]

nice

[30-30]

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly
 his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one
 easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air
 then opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed
 head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
 
 At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place and, as
 the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down
 from the clouds.
 
 "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
 
 "Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two
 minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
 
 Then the Atheist continues, "God, please let the Loch Ness
 Monster become religious."
 
 God replies, "So be it."
 
 The scene starts up, atheist falling.
 
 The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says,"Lord,
I thank you for this dinner I am about to receive."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Finding one of her students making faces at others on
 the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the
 child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said,
 "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly
 faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

 Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't
 say you weren't warned."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua.
But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
 With some apprehension he would brace himself as he  approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
 "Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb. 
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton. This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
 He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell at her,"Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner,  Bill realized  the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all  his past outings.   
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of State.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker!   
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.   
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled , "See what you get for five bucks!!!
 

[Green Mountian Hunter]