Comic Relief!!

[jamison1]

 

[30-30]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they
 get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't
 step on the ducks."

 So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
 It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
 best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

 Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains
 them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
 spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

 The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and
 along came St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another
 extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment
 as the first woman.

 The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She
 manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
 Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid
 eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains
 them together without saying a word.

 The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to
 you for all of eternity?"

 And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on
a duck."

[chuckrudy]

good one.

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Splinters in her crotch......     

 

 A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.   

 

 As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.The doctor listened to her story with great patience, and then told her to  go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

 She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

 He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to ObamaCare...they turned you down.” 
 

[chuckrudy]

nice

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[monk]

[30-30]

Old Granny went to her doctor to see what could be
 done about her constipation.
 
 "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my
 bowels in a week."
 
 "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the
 doctor.
 
 "Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for
 a half-hour in the morning and again at night."
 
 "No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take
 anything?"
 
 "Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[chuckrudy]

good one.

[30-30]

        This one will make you groan:

A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night,
 when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining" he
 said to his wife.
 
 "No, that felt more like snow to me" she replied.
 
 "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
 
 Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument
 about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a
 minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not
 fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether
 it's officially raining or snowing."
 
 As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph,
 is it officially raining or snowing?"
 
 "It's raining, of course!" he replied, and walked on.
 
 But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
 
 The man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

A Columbia Doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way
 and said: "Your check came back."
 The old man replied, "So did my arthritis."

[Green Mountian Hunter]