Comic Relief!!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard.  Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying Johnny.  He began stomping on them in his anger.  His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it!  No honey for you for one month!"

 

Later that afternoon, Johnny wandered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet.  His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said "That's it!  No butter for you for one month!"

 

Early that same evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor.   She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.  Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

 

About a month later, the tired and frustrated father, upon coming home from work, kicks the cat......  And the little Johnny immediately offers, "Are you going to tell him, Mommy, or shall I?"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know, my son, he graduated fist in his class from Stanford.  He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."

 

The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard.  He’s now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."

 

The last woman says, "You know my son, he never did too well is school.   He never went to any university but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman."

 

The other two women ask "What is a sports repairman?"

 

The woman then replies, "He fixes games...  you know, hockey games, football games, baseball games...."

[Green Mountian Hunter]

nice

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                        How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?

                        He married her.

[30-30]

Homesick Snow Bird Gets Help

  In Scottsdale, AZ. the other day, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago." Someone broke the window, stole the radio, shot out all four tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read: "Hope this helps!"

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                     What does Barack Obama think is more dangerous than the Middle East?

                      Reverend Jeremiah Wright and a microphone

[30-30]

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

 10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden
 because men hate to ask for directions.
 *
 9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand
 him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON
 television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
 *
 8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his
 seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
 *
 7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment
 for himself.
 *
 6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was
 garbage night.
 *
 5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would
 never be able to handle childbearing.
 *
 4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember
 where he put his tools.
 *
 3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed
 someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him
 hiding in the garden.
 *
 2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
 *
 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
 scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

“An Age of a Woman”

 

* Below 14, she is like Antarctica: Untouchable.

 

* Between 14 and 17, she is like Africa: Virgin and unexplored.

 

* Between 18 and 30, she is like Asia: Hot and exotic. 

 

* Between 31 and 45, she is like America: Fully explored; breathtakingly beautiful and free with her resources.   

 

* Between 46 and 56, she is like Europe: Exhausted but still has points of interest.

 

* Between 56 and 60, she is like Australia: Everybody knows it's out there but nobody gives a damn!

 

* Between 60 and 64, she's like Russia: Everybody knows it's out there, but no one ever dares to go.

 

* After 64, she's like the Moon: Exploration has stopped.

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[30-30]

Why Dogs Are Better Than Wives

 Dogs don't cry.
*
Dogs love it when your friends come over.

*
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

*
Dogs think you sing great.

*
A dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink.

*
Dogs don't expect you to call them when you're running late.

*
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

*
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

*
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dogs name.

*
Dogs are excited by rough play.

*
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

*
Dogs can appreciate excess body hair.

*
Anyone can get a good looking dog.

*
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

*
Dogs don't shop.

*
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

*
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

*
A dog's parents never come to visit.

*
Dogs love long car trips.

*
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

*
Dogs don't hate their bodies.

*
No dog ever bought a Kenny G. album.

*
No dog ever put on a hundred pounds after reaching adulthood.

*
Dogs never criticize.

*
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

*
Dogs never expect gifts.

*
Dogs don't worry about germs.

*
Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to your wallet, desk or
sock drawer.

*
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their life.

*
Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger than a lobster dinner.

*
You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready 24 hours a day.

*
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

*
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

*
Dogs never want a foot rub.

*
Dogs can't talk.

*
Dogs aren't catty.
 
Dogs seldom out live you!

[Green Mountian Hunter]

 

[Green Mountian Hunter]

                    A husband desperate to keep his hot wife happy offers to buy is wife a new car. She cutely declines his offer by saying,

                   "That's not quite what I had in mind." Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer, "That's not quite what I had in mind."

                    Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?" She retorts, "I'd like a divorce."

                    He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much."