Author Topic: Comic Relief!!  (Read 912467 times)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4725 on: Aug 29, 2018, 03:00:21 AM »


The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and
continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4726 on: Aug 29, 2018, 03:01:09 PM »
 ;D


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4727 on: Aug 29, 2018, 03:02:13 PM »

A BLONDE & HER TWO COATS

While her husband was at work, a blonde decided to paint their living room.

After her husband arrives home, he finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat while wearing a parka and a mink. He asked her what she was doing.

She said, "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb, and I wanted to do it by painting the living room."

He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but asked, "Why are you wearing two coats?

She replied, "I read the directions on the paint can, and they said, ''For best results, put on two coats!'"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4728 on: Aug 30, 2018, 03:27:07 AM »


               ;D

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4729 on: Aug 30, 2018, 03:27:34 AM »


A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily everafter in Melbourne . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, butdid manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenevershe had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn'tknow how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like achicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got themessage, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how tosay it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to showthe butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her somechicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a wayto communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...(Please scroll down.)

What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now getback to whatever you were doing. I don't know about you sometimes..



Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4730 on: Aug 30, 2018, 05:07:40 PM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4731 on: Aug 31, 2018, 03:09:24 AM »


A racehorse owner asked his jockey why he didn't ride his mount through a hole when it opened up just before the final turn.
"I tried," replied the jockey. "But it is impossible to go through a hole that is going faster than your horse."


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4732 on: Sep 01, 2018, 04:54:34 AM »


An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4733 on: Sep 01, 2018, 04:56:35 AM »


A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priestbeside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over thecustoms limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway youcould carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. Theofficial asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you haveto declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, butwhich is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4734 on: Sep 01, 2018, 06:45:48 AM »
 ;D


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4735 on: Sep 02, 2018, 04:57:13 AM »


Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."

The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4736 on: Sep 02, 2018, 09:01:56 AM »
 ;D


Offline Green Mountian Hunter

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4737 on: Sep 02, 2018, 01:02:17 PM »

                 BANANA PEEL

An idiot walking down the street spots a banana peel and sighs.

"Here we go again!"


Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4738 on: Sep 03, 2018, 04:28:23 AM »



               ::)

Offline 30-30

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Re: Comic Relief!!
« Reply #4739 on: Sep 03, 2018, 04:28:51 AM »


A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you fat evil slag'."

 


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